4. Justin Bieber is the Anti-Christ Read More »

"Joe?"

A flash of anger rides up the back of my neck as I try to answer as calmly as I can. "It's, uh, Joel, actually," I say, tight-lipped.

"Right. Ain't that what I said?"

"Yes, sir," I say, "must've heard you wrong. My apologies." Read More »

"Hi."

"Oh... hi."

"It's been a while hasn't it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess it has."

"..."

"Derrick, not to be rude but I'm busy." Read More »

First,

1. Take two separate objects (persons, things, etc.) and write about them subjectively.
2. Then, comingle the two (like snakes!).
3. Lastly, show off to friends.

Example below: Read More »

I'm sitting in the furnished lobby of an American hotel when, from down the hallway, come girlish screams and giddies that belong to women who are, of course (this being a Saturday night) intoxicated. I'm huddled up in the chair, my nose deep in the aroma of Consider The Lobster, when they round the corner. Okay, I'll give this to you: I look like a nerd. Read More »

 So this happened... 

So I'm standing in the Cook County Courthouse, and to be frank, I don't even know how I ended up in Chicago, but it's barely even nine o'clock and the guards watching me won't even let me raise my hands to stifle a yawn (because, ya know, maybe there's been a small gun in my stomach this whole time and only now have I regurgitated it into my mouth). Read More »

Again for my lame college I interview Alison Agosti: Upright Citizens Brigade writer, twitter superstar, and tumblerrer. Also, she's waaaay into me. It's weird. Read More »

I interviewed Julieanne Smolinski for a paper at my lame college. She is @boobsradley on twitter and writes for xoJane and GQ. She is also very cute. Anyway. Read More »

The lights of the city cast heavy shadows on me. The weight is burdening. I do not know what to make of this. Hours go by and I find myself aimlessly walking Echo Park. I slip in and out of underpasses, slinking behind homeless men and beautiful women walking dogs. I am a ghost. My eyes blink with the oddity of someone who does not know why he sees. Or what he sees. Read More »

I'm so ahead of my time my parents haven't met yet. 

I joined Match.com because I had no other options. My mail-order-bride, Sveta, found a legal loophole and was able to return to her native homeland of Russia, citing my "inability to perform," which is quite ridiculous because I majored in theater at Oxford School of Drama so like I don't even get what she's talking about.

Lewis Donahue. Read More »

Are our periods syncing yet?

So wow. Just got done watching that sad movie Rabbit Hole and man, I haven't cried that much since yesterday.

Because yesterday was a very powerful and eye-opening day for me. I listened to "Ghetto Gospel." Twice. Read More »

 For some reason I just can't stop laughing.