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I’m such a rule-follower, I lower my voice when I look through those Little Free Libraries.
I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.
An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.
A watched pot may never boil, but a boiled watch makes time a thing of the past.
Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.
The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.
I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.
You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.
If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.
Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap
*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.
Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.
I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.
They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?
I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.
My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.
I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.