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It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.
Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.
Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.
Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.
I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.
If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.
They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.
There should be a food delivery app that also tells you what part of your order will be wrong or forgotten.
How long does it take for jelly beans to grow into jellyfish? Asking for my nephew's science project.
Trying a yoga class is like an office job: strict dress code, a lot of circling back, and you’re stuck in a position for an undetermined amount of time.
The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.
I had a joke about World Introvert Day, but I think I'll keep it to myself.
I asked the waiter for an American cheeseburger so he pulled out a rifle and shot my burger 15 times.
My coworkers are constantly badgering me about the family photos on my desk. I mean, WHO CARES how I got photos of your families, man.
I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.
Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.
My insurance company gave me a blanket. It only covers about a third of my body.
If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.
I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others but it seems like everybody else is better at it.
I’m very serious about minimalism. I bought like 20 books about it.