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Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.

You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.

If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.

Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap

*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.

Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.

They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?

I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.

All dating is carbon dating.

For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.

Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.

I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.

I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.

If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?

Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.

I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.