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I’m an activist and scholar whose praxis embodies the intersections between liberation from systemic injustice and screaming demeaning names at strangers.
My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.
Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you've never heard of
Anytime someone says they'd like to be a “fly on the wall” during some big moment, I think, “You do know people kill flies, right?”
I don’t believe in ghosts, which is why I never lend them money.
McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.
Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”
“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”
Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees
“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.
Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.
Magicians don’t retire, they become disillusioned.
Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.
Assistant: I’m here to help!
Boss: I’m here to make sure you help!
Whenever a computer program crashes and asks if you want to either report or ignore it, I always click “ignore” because I’m not a narc.
“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer
People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.
A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.
Technically they’re not free weights if they’re trapped in a gym.