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Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”
“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.
When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.
I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.
We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?
“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.
“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.
When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?
I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.
Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.
A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.
I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?
I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.
A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.
Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?
“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.