One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a Joke
My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.
They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.
If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.
Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.
A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.
Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.
I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.
I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.
“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.
The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”
One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.
I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.
When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?
I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.
— Mark Peters, @wordlust
I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.
Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”
“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.