My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.
“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato
I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”
I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.
I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?
I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.
Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.
The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.
We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.
Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”
I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?
Sorry for my smelling mistakes.
You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.
Do dogs know they have bones inside them?
I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.
It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.
It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.
I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.
I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.
Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.