Words can hurt. Ask anyone who’s ever had a dictionary thrown at them.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.
Today is the first day of the rest of my week.
Knocking on a door is funny because it's like, “Hey! I'm coming in, but first I gotta teach this door a lesson.”
How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?
“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.
The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.
My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.
“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.
Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.
If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?
“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”
Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.
🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵
Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.
Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.