My uncle used to advise me to never forget Leg Day, which was just what he called the day he lost his leg.
There's nothing worse than exercising, eating healthy, and not drinking, and realizing it works.
“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.
I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.
They say live your life like it’s your last day on Earth. I say, “Live your life like it’s your next to last day on Earth.” That way if you screw up, you still have an extra day.
When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.
Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?
I’m neither an early bird nor a night owl, I’m a midday pigeon who only leaves my apartment to procure garbage food.
What's the punctuation you're supposed to use to end a statement? No that's not it
A genie's biggest fear has got to be a lava lamp.
A small centaur can have two ponytails.
People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.
“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.
If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.
What if there's another set of teeth after the permanent teeth, but no one has ever lived long enough to find out?
When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.
Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.
Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”
STREET SMARTS
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.
Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.