Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you've never heard of
Anytime someone says they'd like to be a “fly on the wall” during some big moment, I think, “You do know people kill flies, right?”
I don’t believe in ghosts, which is why I never lend them money.
Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”
“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”
“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.
Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees
Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.
My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.
Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.
A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.
Technically they’re not free weights if they’re trapped in a gym.
Contrary to popular belief I do not just “stay in sweatpants all day.” I start with outside sweatpants, then house sweatpants, and then bedtime sweatpants.
If you're happy and you know it overthink it until you're not sure anymore.
That moment at the dentist when you forget what the suction thing is called and ask for “Mr. Thirsty.”
Whenever I'm cutting peppers and I see one of those little baby peppers inside, I'm reminded why I became a pepper doctor in the first place.
I’d prefer to die in quicksand than slow sand.
In my family, we don't believe in punishing our kids. At least, not until they untie us.
I gave my wife a dozen roses. She never needs to know that I ate the other dozen on the way home.