After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.
“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.
— Dan Price, @danpriceink
This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”
Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?
I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.
My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.
“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato
I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”
I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.
I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?
I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.
Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.
The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.
We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.
Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”
I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?
Sorry for my smelling mistakes.
You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.
Do dogs know they have bones inside them?
I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.