Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?
I will be retiring soon and living on a fixed income, which is great, because I've been on a broken one for years.
Every day I tell my husband how happy he is.
They say you should never meet your heroes. That's why I've never met my dad.
My therapist is writing a book about narcissism, and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is about me.
I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?
Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.
When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.
You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?
A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.
My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.
—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.
Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.
They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.
For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.
— Barry Purcell, @solo1y
Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we're lost.
I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”
I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.
My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.