You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?
A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.
My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.
—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.
Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.
They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.
For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.
— Barry Purcell, @solo1y
Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we're lost.
I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”
I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.
My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.
Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you've never heard of
Anytime someone says they'd like to be a “fly on the wall” during some big moment, I think, “You do know people kill flies, right?”
I don’t believe in ghosts, which is why I never lend them money.
Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”
“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”
“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.
Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees
Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.