When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.
Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.
Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”
STREET SMARTS
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.
Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.
I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.
It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.
I'm built different. Worse.
Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.
“I say, Sherlock, how is it that you seem to pay no taxes?”
“Deduction, my dear Watson.”
I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.
I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.
— Phil Healy, @phealings
I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.
— Phil Healy, @phealings
How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?
If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.
I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.
The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.
I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”
Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.
I’m a mnmlst.