They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.
A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.
I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.
One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.
When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?
I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.
Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.
I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.
We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?
— Susan Sassi, @sassers_
When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?
— Susan Sassi, @sassers_
I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?
Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?
A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like
You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.
I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.