My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?
Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.
Gravity was its own downfall.
My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.
My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.
A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…
I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”
Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”
Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.
Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.
“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.
Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.
When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.
Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car
I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.
— Jon Aron
When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”
Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.— Jon Aron
Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!
Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.
Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.