What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”
For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.
Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.
— Ben Wink
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.
Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”
The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.
If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?
Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY
Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx
You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.
People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.
“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.