I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.
My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.
My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.
“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:
Me: If memory serves me correctly–
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.
It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.
A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.
If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?
Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?
Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”
What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”
For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.
Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.
— Ben Wink
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.