Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.
I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.
Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.
It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.
*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”
My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.
Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.
Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.
Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?
I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.
When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”
As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.
The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).
What kind of world is it that shorts are not half the price of pants?
The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.