I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.
When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.
Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.
Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.
My grandfather worked his entire life in a mirror factory. He just couldn't see himself doing anything else.
I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.
Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.
Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.
Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?
I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.
Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.
I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.
Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.
It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.
*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”
My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.
Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.