Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.
The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.
I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.
They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?
For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.
I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.
I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.
I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?
It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.
September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.
I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.
The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.
“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.
Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.