I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.
Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.
Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.
Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?
I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.
Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.
I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.
Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.
It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.
*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”
My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.
Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.
Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.
Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?
I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.
When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”