Partiful Updates from Your Acquaintance Who Is Clearly Spinning Out
Hey, does anyone have an EpiPen?
Tag: Satire
I’m Philip, a Colonoscopy Doula, and It Would Be My Honor to Assist You on Your Journey
Let me explain how my bespoke packages can help you make your colonoscopy not merely a procedure, but a celebration.
A Stress-Free, Worry-Free Carriage Ride
No one from the board of directors or human resources can accuse me of gross negligence while I’m taking a peaceful carriage ride.
I’m the Type of Rich Where You Don’t Know Where My Fridge Is—Sadly, Neither Do I
Don’t get me wrong, the being rich part is great. Unfortunately, my fridge blends into the kitchen’s design too well.
I Took Sun Tzu to an NBA Game
I know you are all about fighting with honor, much in the same way the NBA is all about the integrity of the game.
Every Situation Where I Would Literally Say, “That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles”
I pull an Oreo out of my pocket, smash it with both hands, and shout a zinger that leads to a standing ovation.
Our Planned Community Is Rooted in Roman Values, but Mostly Orgies
But we do maintain strict adherence to Rome’s Four Cardinal Virtues: Stoicism, Beauty, Justice, and the most important one of all—Orgies.
Do You Want to Get Out of Here?
Somewhere we don’t have to think about all these people staring at us and deciding whether I’m “guilty” or “innocent.”
As a Mother of Three Who Loves All of Her Children Equally, I’m Excited to Unveil My Updated Power Rankings
I’ve developed a ranking system reducing their performance into a simple number: Progeny Plus-Minus (PPM).
Forgot to Book Your Beach Vacation? Here’s Your Best Second Choice!
Depending on who you ask, this flashing neon sign either depicts two pelicans frolicking or fornicating. The choice is yours!
If Sci-Fi Was Written by People with the Same Amount of Scientific Knowledge as Romantasy Writers Have About Sex
Static cracked between the two big sort of metal pole things with a bauble on top, sort of like a butterfly net for lightning I think.
Classified Listings for Things I Don’t Want to Do
NOW HIRING: Pest Control Specialist / Wearer of Big-Ass Doc Martens