An Open Letter to the Hermit Crab Who Made My Apartment His Shell While I Was Away
I cannot help but feel like the law is on the side of the cold-blooded decapods of this world who travel willy-nilly from shell to shell.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Child Labor Is Back, Baby! (Seriously, Are You a Baby? Because We’re Hiring)
You won’t get holidays off, but aren’t you sick of spending Thanksgiving with your cheugy cousins anyway?
I Would Be the Best Writer in the World but Oops, My Pencil Broke
The publishing world has always had a bias against writers who have never actually written anything.
I’m Pleased to Announce That This Party Has Been Canceled
Having many strangers come to my home was a poorly thought-out concept, and adding alcohol to the mix surely would have created hellfire.
Your Ego’s Writing Checks Your Body Can’t Cash! That’s Why You’re the Perfect Candidate for Our Top Gun Overdraft Protection Program
You’re in the top one percent of all naval aviators, with "a need, a need for speed." But I think you have a serious need for fiscal responsibility.
An Open Letter to People Who Hold Up Their Middle Finger in Instagram Photos
Did something happen between us? Did I wrong you? And if so, why bring that energy into your vacation photos?
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us
Say, what do you reckon they were thinking when they built such an itty-bitty town in the first place?
The Abyss Stared Back, and It Likes What It Saw
I know I'm just a little ol' abyss, but your attention has given me quite the pick-me-up. Not a lot of people notice me.
Why Our New Ad Campaign Only Targets Reptilian-Human Hybrids
The government began funding the reptilian-human-hybrid breeding program in the late 1940s. The perfect age to discover the wonders of retirement living.
I Am Stepping Up to Run Garden Club Despite My Complete Lack of Gardening Knowledge
Apparently, the first rule of Gardening Club is I'm supposed to answer your gardening questions.
I’m Leaving My Body to Science
Here’s a thought: My body could be cut up into little chunks the size of cocktail wieners and doled out to a number of sciences.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s Sister Picks Up Printing
OK, I'm just going to address that you've been sort of frozen and scared ever since I said Jeffrey Dahmer is my brother. I get it.