I really, really feel bad about the fact that I destroyed your reproductive system like that. I wish I could make it up to you. You could take my child, if you promise to assume full legal responsibility for it. And feed it.
Oh my God, I'm walking to frat row. I thought we were being ironic! I was being sarcastic when I said that I wanted to 'get my pong on.' I don't talk like that!
<p>It's not you, it's me. Just kidding, it's you. You've been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything. It'll be easier without you. I have to do things on my own
'A Totally Non-Fiction Sketch That Has Never Happened to Me, Ever.' Drew meets his friends Carly and Sam for some advice about a girl he has a crush on. What he doesn't know is that they got really high beforehand.
911 OPERATOR: Ma'am, did you mean you literally broken a glass ceiling or you metaphorically broke “the glass ceiling” by becoming a woman in power?
Dear Humans, If you wouldn’t mind, could you please do me one favor: Stop yelling my name during sex. At first it was kind of flattering, but now it’s just ridiculous, and completely distracting.
Don't look now, but the next time you see a rainbow, it may have gone Green. Riding record profits and a revamped public image, Green has announced a takeover bid.
A county judge has to use his intellect and sense of decency and fairness to decide important issues facing people's destinies. That's why I have decided to run for this judgeship.
Ulysses S. Grant responds to Jefferson Davis' threats of a renewed Separatist Movement in the South by getting drunk, riding straight to South Carolina and challenging him to a duel. But not before passing out in his own vomit.
Dear Boss, I have a confession to make. I probably should have told you a long time ago before things got out of hand: I've been taking steroids every day on the job since Day 1 (and before the job during our interviews).
Mr. Cook, I can no longer sit back while your egregious blunders defame the good name of those around you. Especially the illustrious Dennis Rodman.
Throughout my life I have had many goals: soccer player, good student, drummer, gym teacher, guy who toasts bagels, etc. But I now see my life as having been misguided because now I know for sure that I seriously can't wait to break your arm.