Words and Phrases Banned from the U.S. Mint Staff Email Where Employees Print $38 Million a Day for $40,000 a Year
Torture, salivating, aroused. Every second, a sheet of currency worth the amount of my student loans passes me.
Tag: Featured
Nathaniel Hale Has Some Additional Regrets, Actually
I regret that I have but one chance to offer a high five to the executioner while I’m on the gallows and then say, "Hey, don’t leave me hanging!"
‘Tis True Friar Lawrence Be Mired in the Deaths of Many a Verona Youth, Yet, Verily, I Am Fond of His Herbal Teas
’Tis not with ease’d mind that I imbibe of the Friar’s herbaceous blends, be it “Rosaline’s Unrequited Rosehip” or “Zounds! This Lemon Zingeth!”
I Am the Woman Whose Dog Finds Bodies on Our Morning Walks
I tried hiring dog walkers, but I was banned from all those apps because my dog became infamous for always turning up a corpse or two.
You All Know Nothing About My Perfectly Normal Relationship!
Well, I bet you all felt pretty stupid a month later when we got divorced. You all are just wrong time after time.
An Updated Tax Write-Off Worksheet, by the Nosiest Employee at the IRS
Did you receive Venmo payments from your ex (Handle @MattDereklol46) AFTER you broke up on July 23, 2021?
Introducing the Sam Super Loyalty Card
So wait, I can’t meet with you/speak to you/copulate with you without a loyalty card? Unfortunately not!
Please Help, I’m Still Street Punk #5
Being stuck in character as STREET PUNK #5 for almost forty years has caused me more than a bit of grief.
I’m Arctic Shipwreck Survivor Stranded with an Annoying Show-off Asshole
During my second dinner, Francis told me that we needed to “ration our food better.” I was so taken aback by this.
As Your Virtual Doctor, I Can’t Give You the Results of Your Brain Surgery Until You Smash That “Like” Button
Patients need to smash that so my bosses can track the popularity of this service, which will result in more financial support from our advertisers.
How to Tell If That Guy Who Desperately Needs a Kidney Like-Likes You
He asks you about yourself, things like, “Can you give me a kidney?” and, “So how’s about that kidney?”
As the Escaped Felon Hiding in Your Attic, I’m Deeply Concerned About Your Marriage
I was awoken by the sounds of you two screaming at each other. People make less noise being shanked in the shower.