If You’re Here to Party, Put Your Hands Up for a Quick Head Count for the Fire Marshal
There are just too many beautiful people here tonight! No, really. There are actually too many of you and roughly ten to fifteen people have to leave.
Tag: Featured
You’ve Barely Touched Your Mid-Heist Carrot Sticks and Hummus
I didn’t help break into the Banco de España to see these delicious snacks I’ve generously prepared go to waste.
Human Sunbathing Explained to the Aliens
No, the sun does not have any terrestrial healing powers, but it can fry your skin and inflict life-threatening disease.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Jerry Kaufman (Your Dad): Did I think we were going to conceive a child during the Insurance Adjusters of American Convention? No.
Boy, That Guy, I Tell You
He ruffles my feathers. He overcooks my sunny-side-up eggs. You know what I mean? Really Mondays my Garfield.
Common Complaints About Our Clones
My clone is always ill. Plus, our clones are deficient in blood, because we didn’t give them enough blood, so they are often woozy.
I Am Going to Yell
I am going to yell into a pillow. I am going to scream in an empty car. I am going to throw a full tantrum in the grocery store cereal aisle.
Why You Should Only Cut to Me Laughing During This Comedy Special Taping
I didn’t bring my resume with me but here you go: hahahahahhaa. See, I’m good.
Every Time, Ranked by Lateness
5:00 AM – Catching the sunrise? Driving to hockey practice? This is the third least-late time ever invented!
Charnstone Manor Is Hiring a Governess!
Strong candidates will fit in with our diverse and dedicated group of cryptic caretakers, silent maids, hostile valets, and cursed children.
Strange UFO Encounters in Dooglesbury, Iowa
September 21st, 10:02 PM: “The Big Stinker” spotted again three miles away, hovering outside an elderly woman’s second-story window.
How to Know He’s the One—The Chosen One, That Is
If they have a mentor over the age of sixty who spends most of their day wearing robes, then you are dealing with an absolute keeper.