An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything
I applaud you, as you were comfortable, people complimented you, and you made me appear like I had my shit together, which I did not.
I applaud you, as you were comfortable, people complimented you, and you made me appear like I had my shit together, which I did not.
Adam was friendly, smart, and best of all, my first gay roommate. I couldn't wait to paint our nails, make out drunk, and go shopping together.
My parents' top priority wasn't a clean room or fresh air, but fire safety. This is why I had a 15-foot fire ladder in my second-floor bedroom.
Specific sweater styles that tell him you're open to the idea of talking about maybe taking it up the butt, maybe. But probably.
I sit in your closet collecting dust, regretting that my only purpose was to fit your head and no one else's. What ever happened to loyalty?
Finally, a list of felonies to perpetrate from your breakfast nook while wearing your snuggliest onesie. Let it snow, let it snow!
I wish my kid could keep the shoes, but my wife got really annoyed about the whole "$120" thing. Happy wife, happy life, am I right?
Get ready to flip that Jean Nate-age, time-consuming beauty philosophy into a beauty routine that fits into the 30 seconds you have to pee.
Before you jump down my throat about how I obviously shouldn't have worn jorts to a job interview, it was at a company that SOLD JEAN SHORTS.
I'm wearing a transparent red teddy while I fondle myself to thoughts of your survival preparations. That’s because I'm outside of the fallout zone.
This year you need to wear a costume that shows off your fun-loving personality while also assuring everyone you won't accidentally set an antique table on fire again.
I thought I was good at dressing my body like a burlap sack of potatoes, but I have been outdone! Women are all just floating heads with robot arms.