My Metamorphosis into a Monstrous Vermin Went Pretty Great, Actually
“I know you mean well, Dad,” my sister said. “But these days, it’s considered more polite to say ‘enormous insect’ rather than ‘monstrous vermin’.”
Tag: Animals
Letter to My Wife After She Casually Told Me She Knew Someone Who Was Eaten by a Lion Ten Years into Our Relationship
I would think this would be first-three-date territory, even. Instead, you decided to mention it a decade into our relationship.
The Moments When I Realized My Dates Were a Bunch of Spiders in a Trench Coat
“I was intrigued by the mention of fly fishing on your profile. I like fly fishing too!” “Wow! Let me show you a picture of this fish I caught.” “Fish?”
Squirrel Police Blotter
Squirrel Police Department dispatch received a call from a squirrel who said he wasn't sure, but it seemed like he was being shadowed by a red-tailed hawk.
I Am a Shark and We Just Bought Cool Drones to Monitor You
Now sharks will watch humans eat and breed in real-time. I could easily watch a whole week of this in slickly packaged, one-hour chunks.
Indisputable Facts About Penguins
Penguins are from Antarctica, the Galápagos Islands, New Zealand, and South Africa but live in captivity in places like Detroit.
I’m a Rubber Duck and I’m Resigning from My Position at Bathtub Inc.
I learned a lot in my four years as Vice President of Relaxation in the Hygiene Department, I wanted to offer some reasons why I’m departing.
Movies with Animal Titles Reviewed by Their Titular Animals
Anaconda on "Anaconda" (1997) Hell yeah, brother. ★★★★
I Am an Eastern Turkey Vulture and I Pretty Much Don’t Have Any Complaints
I don’t even have to hunt. I just wait to eat the animals when they’re already dead, easy. And guess what? Things are always dying.
Is He Cheating On You, a Serial Killer, or Just an Avid Birder?
- He’s been trying out different mating calls. - You’ve caught him googling “Brown Booby,” “Great Tit,” and “Cock-of-the-Rock.”
My Child Is Perfect, Even Though He’s a Venomous Gila Monster
I don’t appreciate your judgment. You hurt me deeper than any wound my son has inflicted with his sharp claws.
Forget Punxsutawney Phil: Other Woodland Creatures and the Predictions They Make
If the deer flares its nostrils, it means that when you debut a new outfit, at least two people will notice and compliment you on it.