In this house, we don’t let society keep us from saying “Merry Christmas.”

When other people say, “Happy Holidays,” we say, “Merry Christmas.”

When other people say, “Happy Hanukkah,” we say, “Bless you,” and then once everyone stops laughing at our joke, we say, “Merry Christmas.”

When other people actually sneeze, we say “Merry Christmas” to that, too.

When other people say, “Feliz Navidad,” we usually just smile and say “Mmhmm,” and find someone else to say “Merry Christmas” to.

When other people say, “Enjoy the movie,” we say, “Merry Christmas,” but sometimes we accidentally say “You too” first.

When other people say, “Could you point me towards the restroom? Please hurry, I really have to go,” we say, “Merry Christmas.”

Then when they say, “Fuck you,” we also say, “Merry Christmas.”

When other people say, “Would you like fries or a side salad?” we say, “Merry Christmas,” and then we say, “Fries.”

When other people say, “Cheese!” we say, “Merry Christmas!” which makes us look kind of dopey in pictures.

When other people say, “Happy Birthday!” we say, “Merry Christmas!” And then when they say, “But it’s Carol’s birthday and it’s the middle of April,” we just kind of stare at them.

When other people say, “Merry Christmas,” we say, “Merry Christmas” back. We probably didn’t need to tell you that one, but we threw it in just to be thorough.

When other people say, “Excuse me, you dropped your wallet,” we say, “Merry Christmas.” In hindsight, we should not have done that.

When other people say, “Turn your head and cough,” we say, “Merry Christmas,” without breaking eye contact.

When other people say, “If you say ‘Merry Christmas’ one more time, you’re fired,” we just say “Merry” and whisper the rest.

When other people say, “Could you tell us where you were the night of July 19th?” we say “Merry Christmas,” and then we’re implicated in a homicide.

When other people say, “This isn’t even your house to say ‘Merry Christmas’ in,” we say, “Merry Christmas.”

When those same people say, “That’s it, I’m calling the police,” we still say, “Merry Christmas.”

And then when someone else says, “You have the right to remain silent,” we start singing Silent Night, which usually doesn’t go over very well, and then we say, “Merry Christmas.”

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Standup Joke Writing starts Jan 25 and Writing Satire for the Internet starts Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.