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“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door
I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.
We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.
Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War
I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.
It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.
“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo