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I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.
I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.
Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.
I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.
I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.
Why do they call them contractions and not birth quakes?
I’m a donkey and my pronouns are hee/haw.
Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.
“Nice zombie costume!” the kids at Halloween exclaimed as I opened the door in my usual work-from-home clothes.
If you don’t finish the punchline of a dad joke, it becomes an absentee father joke.
I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.
When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.
Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.
Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.
Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.
My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.