All original jokes, distilled to 140 characters or less.

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You don't tip the cook, but you tip the waiter. So, do I tip the stripper or her dad?

They say you are the company you keep, but I'm super not a dead hooker in my basement.

You had me at “get in the windowless van.”

I'm going to start a program called “Doctors with Borders,” where doctors just kind of shrug their shoulders.

If I eat pumpkin pie, but don't instagram it, do those calories still count?

What makes AIDS so scary, the virus or CAPS lock?

What the fuck, my drug dealer didn't have any Black Friday specials OR sales?! I camped outside his house too!

I like to think bulimics are just pre-digesting food for baby crocodiles in the sewer. That makes me feel good every morning.

Their business appeared to be growing slowly, at least according to the latest snails figures.

I shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that electric wheelchairs are just Segways for lazy people.

I just tried to follow myself on twitter and got a busy signal. Probably because I'm still using AOL dialup.

In the 1600's, the average lifespan of a slave was 28… which means there were zero dark thirty year olds.

A message to the person who still “got my noes”: I will find you, and I will end you.

Fat jokes are the lowest form of humor. Well, fat jokes, then midget jokes.

People are divided into those who can be my friends and those who've said “keep it 100” and knew what they meant.

Love is in the air, I can tell by all the smog.

I can never remember if I'm watching Prince Harry kiss the Queen or an orangutan eating prunes.

I played practical joke on my girlfriend by replacing all her EPTs with pushing her down the stairs.

If your feeling sad, then just keep your head up. Especially if you're paralyzed from the neck down.

Does that skull sign mean I can't bring hazardous materials on the plane, or that I need to watch for pirates?

Looking back, the amount of time Blue Ranger and Optimus Prime spent together in my bathtub really was a red flag.

Kim and Kanye make me think my grandma had some good points about biracial relationships.

I like to talk about people behind their backs. The key to not getting a black eye is running away when they turn around.

You call it “spam,” I call it “Nubian princes who care.”

Internet Explorer documenting and sending out an error report is the 21st century equivalent of message in a bottle.

“Was the sex any good?” “I don't know, I'll need to check the tape.”

Sending me an email to confirm that I unsubscribed from a list seems like breaking up and then asking for one more blowjob.

That guilty moment when u take an envelope from a different birthday card at the store, knowing nobody gives a shit anyway.

We stopped having family Thanksgiving after my grandma died from….me killing her so we'd stop having family Thanksgiving.

How can celebrities accidentally tweet a picture of their dick when I can't purposely do it?

Yeah, she has big boobs, we heard you the first time. No need to retiterate.

“Home is where the heart is.” -Confused cardiac surgeon using baseball as an analogy

FUN FACT: Originally, BET, or Black Entertainment Television, was a response to an all-white broadcast called “TV.”

You ever take the cover off your phone and feel like you're going to get someone pregnant?

Is the death penalty still legal in Florida? I heard they stopped hanging Chads… #OutdatedElectionHumor

Whenever I get fired I laugh at the irony since I'm going to hell.

I just overheard a 13-year-old say spring rolls look like zombie dicks so I'll be offline because I can't top that.

The worst part about a broken furnace is having to whack off under a comforter. Last time I stay at my grandma's.

“I'd rather dock him than docter.” -Gay joke

My friend told me he bought a buttload of burritos. Talk about shitty word choice.

If your straitjacket feels a little snug, it's probably because you're wearing your mother's girdle underneath.

Jesus is busy hating you for having an abortion after being raped. So busy he doesn't have time to not let you get raped.

TV: “A 3-yard gain.” Radio: “A 3-YARD GAIN!”

You can like it or you can comment on it, but you can't do both. Don't be e-greedy. #NotTwitter

My Grandma Ruth is having trouble remembering who she is. Maybe cuz I keep calling her Grandma Ruth when her name's Barb.

Cinderella Man was the most disappointing gay porn I've seen in years.

What do you think Maroon 5 does when they aren't busy being the best band in the world?

After watching Van Damme movies all day I've concluded the best fighting relies on slow telegraphed kicks 3″ above target.

Man divided by 2 = man tragically cut in half.

The voices in my head keep telling me to get diff flavors of ice cream. Doctors refused to candy-coat it: I have banana split personality.

Being in college makes me want to share my knowledge with the world; being white makes me believe anybody gives a shit.

Pursuant to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, Mitt Romney's intentions are immeasurable by modern observation.

“Glass permitted on beach only if ground into sand following use. Thank you, Sandals Resort Mgmt”

I hate fags. It's okay guys, I can say “fag,” my boyfriend's gay.

Once again, voting for president is easy if you're racist. You can't debate skin color.

Ann Romney's going to be watching the debate on top of a reanimated Seabiscuit with Nancy Reagan and the other typical homemaker-types….

MISSED CONNECTION: You were at the stop of Dodge and Kirkwood. I swung my car too wide and missed your bumper. ūüôĀ

Trying to watch “Gangnam Style” at the office, but it's blocked because it's “Not Safe For Twerk.”

I don't go to coffee shops very often, but when I do, I'm at the creamer stand putting more sugar in than you could ever imagine. Fuck off.

Don't worry, our employees are unable to differentiate normal activity from masturbation. #GreatWindowWasherSlogans

Ignorant by birth, Southern by the grace of God.

I really need to take a dump, but I farted a little. #itcanwait

Was going to sext my dick pic but I already came. #itcanwait

“Cum on my fa-” That was the last sext my baby mama sent me before her car was plowed by a train. No sext is worth the drive. #itcanwait

Before she died Amy Winehouse said, “Fuck Jesus and sext and drive.” Don't be like Amy Winehouse. #itcanwait

The only thing worse than chlamydia is chlamydia at 55 mph. Don't sext and drive. #itcanwait

It's not smart to sext and drive. Don't be dead, use your roadhead. #itcanwait

Sexting while driving is irresponsible on several levels. First, ur too fat, and second…well the first reason was good enough. #itcanwait

Think u can sext and drive? Think again. Cops will pull you over for an O-face. #itcanwait

The #2 cause of HIV is sexting and driving. #itcanwait

No sext is worth dying for. That's what autoerotic asphyxiation in your bedroom is for later. #itcanwait

The last txt msg my friend read before dying behind the wheel: “k u can cum on my face tonite” #itcanwait

Even ur phone condom can't protect u from the consequences of sexting and driving. #itcanwait

Your next sext shouldn't be your last. What would that chick do without you annoying her constantly? #itcanwait

Those who sext and drive are 23x more likely to pre-ejaculate/crash. #itcanwait

Abstinence is the only form of safe sexting and driving. #itcanwait

Auto-erotica kills: don't sext and drive. #itcanwait

Tough Mudder for Gays: 100 guys, 1 bedroom, the muddiest buttholes on Earth. Go!

“I'm da bomb!” – Terrorist.

If a porn star is having a tough week at work, do his supportive co-workers tell him to “bang in there”?

There's something that's been eating at me for a long time and I think it's time to finally get it off my chest: fat girls.

Duck Duck Goose gets exponentially more violent beyond puberty.

My relationship with lemons has soured over the years. It all started when they decided to take a stand.

Need to get out of that boring meeting early? Take a Shartcut! The easiest way to let loose and get excused, in one pill!

I think I've finally come up with a way to harness solar energy. I call it the “solar system,” and it operates beyond the cloud.

On some level, I kind of want to think that old men with prosthetic limbs were just bad at war.

Best name for a Spanish auto mechanic and/or porn star? Manuel Transmission.

Spotify “listening to” status updates on Facebook let me know that, yes, other people are bored and stalking on Facebook right now, too.

All I want for Christmas this year is for Rihanna to find love in a fistless place.

I like to think that “a case of the Mondays” is just HIV.

Take some mushrooms before you go to church this morning. Be on a REAL spiritual high.


I'm scared that my life will end up being one big TL;DR.

Someone just stole my play on words and used it as their own. I have no choice but to seek pun-itive damages.

Don't sit next to me, don't sit next to me, don't sit next to me….. ugh, you sat next to me on this bus right now.

If a child steps in front of me while I am walking I refuse to reduce my current speed.

“Eww, she obviously pukes up everything she eats.” -Your fat friend commenting on a girl that looks exactly like you

Crop Dusting: America's lost art of fart.

First day of classes and I've already murdered most the people in my class.

I thought Queen Latifah was everybody's favorite homosexual dentist for a while, I miss those times.

My motto is: Wipe until the brown turns to red.

Slam poetry is like poetry but it's more violent and beats its wife.

I'm not a beat boxer as much as I am a guy with a funky stutter.

Just realized the Olympics are over. Don't tell me who won yet, I think my friend DVR'd it.

Been sportin' this rad chin zit since Monday.

Since smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, a fart could ruin you forever.

Stop staring at me! she said but is clearly being coy.

So no one on this bus wants to take my friendly advice on how to stop looking so gross. Just trying to help!

Cheap sound systems are nothing but treble.

NASCAR: FMBM (For Mullets, By Mullets)

My life can be described by the sadness one finds at the bottom of a Pringles can.

I'm not a fan of big tits, but yours are really growing on you.

I've been playing a new game on my phone that gets more complicated every time you play. It's called “Words with Friends with Benefits.”

What if one of my student loans is actually a nymphomaniac? “Oh yeah! Pay me off… PAY ME OFF!!”

I'm on the fence about this whole Olympic steeplechase thing.

“So what can you tell us about yourself that also compliments Michael Phelps?” -The interviewer of the men's medley.

Wouldn't it suck if Banksy was Mitt Romney and he was all “At least I'm an artist!” And we lost hope in everything.

#NOMO #YOLO seriously stop it though.

Currently trapped in the void that is my open fridge door. SOS.

“Hey click what's click going clack on click with click you click?” -tongue rings

Whenever I type “BOOBS” into a calculator I high five my virginity.

If I went to the Olympics and won a gold medal, I wouldn't care unless it's covering chocolate.

Has anyone ever seriously requested a Pitbull song? Or are they all by accident?

To be honest, I really like Mexican food. . . No bueno.

Which one is Kristen Stewart and which one is Robert Pattinson: ūüėź or ūüėź (hint: i don't care either way)

For a child of a Black Panther, 2Pac sure complains about his skin color a lot.

Everybody's like Jesus when they're ice skating.

Nothing says “No vacancy” like a prostitute getting arrested.

“Hope no one saw me trip.” -Everyone

Toy Story is the end-all and be-all excuse to keep all of your toys when mom wants to throw them away.

Good psychics don't tell you who's going to die, they tell you who's going to live forever.

On a scale of 1 to 10 my mom says I have a nice personality.

Happy 30th Birthday Grandma!

I'm really pissed that it's been 30 minutes since I drank this EXTREME 5 hour energy and I'm still not a super saiyan.

“AND DA PARTY DON'T STOP TIL 6 IN DA MOWNIN” -Every 5-year-old ever

I've held a baby before so yeah I know what it's like to give to charity.

I like to shush people that aren't talking because then they think “Oh no can he read minds?”

Ticonderoga. That was that girl from Boy Meets World, right?

Gave up my soul for Lent. It was weighing me down.

“I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOST.” -Confident Pacman

This is apology for everyone I've ever wronged. I wish I could make this more personal but I just don't care enough.

If the rise of AI technology ever becomes a problem, just feed them crinkly dollar bills and they'll explode.

No matter how many times Tom Cruise dies in a movie, there's always a sequel. With Tom Cruise.

A lot of cereal is just jam packed with high fructose corn syrup and fucks I don't give.

This sign says “slow children playing”, I'll be careful not to hit the dumb children.

“You know who is not responsible for their actions?

A: People in comas. ”

Risk management, as I understand it, is deciding whether or not to use the toilet seat cover in a public restroom.

Some markers are magic because they can't get AIDS.

REAL TWEET: Track #possiblenewsroomdialogue for some good, original, terribly-written dialogue. Michael Ian Black started.

“Stop!” “What?” “This isnt real enough nothings at stake here!” “There is, YOURE at stake here.” #possiblenewsroomdialogue

Hey I heard that if you dig deep enough into the ground you'll end up in disney sitcom A.K.A hell.

Take a picture of someone taking a polaroid of someone using a rotary phone.

Just saw a middle-aged couple kiss and now I understand The Notebook.

“If you build it, they will come.” -Walmart location strategy

“Can you give me directions to Bel Air? 1. Get into one little fight 2. Make your mom scared 3. Whistle for a cab.”

My mind says “no” but my heart says “girrrrrrrrl eat that cereal.”

I was the Gym Class Hero of not showing up to P.E.

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence and not his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

Apparently a fag is a cigarette, so excuse me while I go smoke my gay neighbors.

Rachael Ray said it's important to add garnish to food, so I drew a dick on my Ramen with Sriracha.

Yo yo yo madddd shoutout to all my boys in thay b-boy stances drop it hard y'all!!

GUYS! This lamp I found totally cums genies.

In a BK right now forced to behold one man's power as he orders from the place he works, on his day off.

I'm never going to get out of bed, because I slept on a couch last night.

I never had a diary but I did draw dicks and write things on public restroom stalls thinking only I read them.

My favorite part of finishing a bottle of water is showing the environment who's queen B.

Paris is the love capital of the world because the Eiffel tower looks like a giant boner guys. I see what they did there.

Fuck eHarmony, I'll find love on Craigslist. Or at least a free mattress with questionable stains to cry myself to sleep on.

Damn you autocorrect! I NEED TO MAKE MY OWN MISTAKES IN THIS WORLD!! #mysteaksnotyours

I'm going to eat this apple knowing that there are starving children in Africa, because some of those children are assholes.

I still don't know what a “zeitgeist” is, but I'm pretty sure it's just a word dumb people use to try and sound smart.

We're laughing AT your Affliction t-shirt, not with it.

Hammocks are for people who don't mind getting murdered on their own property and in broad daylight.

If you thought buffalo wings were actually made from buffalos, don't worry, there are millions of other stupid people in the world.

I like to think of stale popcorn as a metaphor for long-term relationships.

The world is at its coldest as soon as you step out of the shower.

How would you ladies like to go on a double date with my penis? #ThreesomePickupLines


Wendy Williams is my male role model.

If a major life event goes unfacebooked, did it really happen? Moreover, will anyone care?

If you met the ghost of Hellen Keller then you probably couldn't tell.

We get it, Gotye, someone dared to break up with you.

I wish I would've picked a different place to put my burrito while driving. My thighs are beginning to burn…

Remember when dudes wearing girl sunglasses was a thing? Ha. Good times.

Cool, you embrace your heritage. But really with that waddle there's no need to make duckface to show you're part Mallard.

Ashton Kutcher, nobody wants you here anymore. Go be productive at a zoo or something. Thanks, moviegoers everywhere.

I just bought a painting of Zeus, but it won't look pretty until I spray paint “my self-portrait” on it.

Biggie Lyrics as Told By Whiteboy: Where are the festivities located? Also, am I allowed to bring my handgun?


Fun fact: all child molesters wish they were born on Febuary 29.

I saw a service dog licking its own butthole. More like self-service dog.

Time to try making new friends at the ATM again…

you say I need to brush my hair, I say I need to brush my herr.

In this year Of Our Lord, I want to thank all of you for dressing up like Power Rangers and walking me down the aisle.

Thanks to memorials everywhere and the things you commemorate. Your symbolism is very much appreciated!

It's only poor track etiquette to yell, “Suck it bitches!” as you lap the deaf octogenarians if they can hear you.

When will this plant stop dying and realize that Grape soda and Axe Body spray is AMAAAAAAAZING!

Busted, bumped into midget. FUCKING WHOOPS BRO DON'T BE SO SMALL.

You'd think with Zuckerberg clearing over 20 billion a few days ago Facebook mobile would be a *touch* better by now.

If you think about it, the shower is just a really big urinal.

Eugene Levy speaks in eyebrows.

If aliens came down and said, “Spell ‘rythm' correctly and live”, we would all be dead. Oops, I meant ‘rhythm'.

Jesus could turn clay into bricks, just by leaving them out in the sun all day. #obscurejesuspowers

Name as many activities as you can that are considered more than a hobby but less than a sport.

When a weather man gets the weather wrong, a panda dies, and that's why they're endangered.

X is the cock blocker of the alphabet.

They should change the professional name for porn from “Adult films” to “Lonely Entertainment”.

I'm still waiting to see animal planet do very classy nature special on Wall Marts.

For mother's day I am going to get my mother the same thing I give her every year, a dildo, so she can go fuck herself.

America is the Las Vegas of the world.

We contracted sadness from monkeys, too. Probably some dude got cried on by a diseased monkey. THANKS A LOT SAD DUDE.

Filming a documentary. I'll let you know when Neil DeGrasse Tyson calls me.

………………………….. (breath) ……………………….. (blink) …. I drive.” -“Drive” starring Ryan Gosling

You ever watch porn and think, “Whoa, that guy's dick looks just like mine!” and then wonder why you're in the wrong industry?

To have and to hold, till death do us SYKE later Lisa!

You know you need to do laundry when you're woken up by a group of lost hikers attempting to climb your overflowing hamper.

You call it radiation, I call it a one way trip to my own comic book.

Single? No, I'm dating my homework. It is a one-sided relationship.

Sheesh, use your passed-out neighbor's head as a doorstop just one time and suddenly he hates you.

That awkward moment when you take a vow of silence and thought that sign language class was stupid.

It's great when you promptly respond to fan mail and don't hear anything back for 6 months, I bet.

If you think running away from your problems doesn't work then just ask Waldo.

My friend kept telling me to “puff, puff, pass.” I told him he'd have to apply for joint custody.

I tried to finish watching Mama Mia! But my penis turned the T.V off and told me to read a book.

Let's go bowling. At separate alleys though. I can't stand competition.

My next cat is gonna say “I am T-pain, hear me purr” a lot.

The day Boy Meets World comes to Netflix is the day no one goes to work.

My dog responds to the word “karma.” Probably because she's a bitch.

“I'm the baddest rap bitch in the game.” -Nintendog

I need to get my “on a scale of 1 to 10 I'm a 6” sleep.

I want to beat the shit out of somebody with a diaper. You know, just to be convenient.

Can you ride in the HOV lane if you have a dead body in the trunk?

People who rhyme are too cool for school.

“I liked Jesus before got nailed to a giant cross.” – Ancient Hipster

Hey ladies! If I tell you your ankle bracelet looks cool will you say “My boobs are up here”?


Make sure if you have a smoke detector, you also have a smoke alarm. Smoke detectors are shy about bothering, ppl, ya know?

Having babies is easy, eating them is the hard part.

Jesus the Carpenter: world's biggest tool.

Still to this day, Tarzan is my hero for the simple fact that he never had to wear pants.

“If you're havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.” – Said the virgin

Wheelchairs go against everything I stand for.

Brain food sounds like something a fat ass came up with.

Don't even bother going to college, it's gonna be way to hard for you. Trust me, I majored in reverse psychology.

The infinite ways in which to skin a cat can be expressed as a wave function. @schrodinger

Love was never a battlefield, more of a slaughter for me. (My heart has always been broken I'M LOOKING AT YOU MONICA.)

I need to refill my procast-o-meter…. Ehh, I'll do it later.

Lost in a Bass Pro Shop. Thank God I'm not wearing any camo.

I don't like to think of myself as poor, I like to think of my home as mobile-friendly.



Looks like the only way for me to get a Letterman jacket is to date a high school jock.

Retweet this if you're not ashamed of your sky high iced out paradise in the sky. What Would 2Pac Do?


“Get on my level son”- Ironic Gangbanger/Midget

I tried to pay a hooker in compliments but she was so ugly that cash was easier.

“You got beef wit me? Bring it, heifer!!” #ghettocowfights

Christianity: the world's biggest game of telephone.

Nice try, “Employees must wash hands before returning to work” signs.

I laugh at fart noises to express my inner douchebag.

Madonna is in her 50's?!?! How much unicorn blood does she drink?

Spiderman 3: My hairstyle is different so I have a new attitude.

What do you call an elephant blowjob? Junk in the trunk.

Man, if I had a dollar for every dick joke I've laughed at then I'd be rich and dying inside!

I have auto-immune disorder. It's pretty cool cuz it allows me to drive like a reckless piece of shit without fear of consequences.

Oh, you listen to gangster rap? You must have so many bitches.

Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird, but that didn't fly.

You can punch me in the face if you like near death experiences

Teach me how to cuddle, teach me teach me how to cuddle. All my bitches love it, all my all my bitches love it.

Playing this game called “try not to become aroused while staring at a mountain goat.” I lost.

“Turd” spelled backwards isn't anything funny.

I don't like it when stereotypes won't shut the fuck up while I'm trying to watch this movie .

Hope my life never depends on me spelling rhythm without googling it first.

Puke green: the official tshirt color of the day after St. Paddy's Day.

Rollerblading is just being gay in fast forward.

Just once, I'd like a girl to pay for dinner or my knee surgery.


! (A silent film tweet)


What if Jessie's girl ended up becoming Stacy's mom?

Going down on my my gay friends. . . apartment elevator! hahahahahahah nice save

There's a thin line between doing and not doing. . . Cocaine

Ray Bradbury was notorious for burning his overdue library books.

How many handjobs do you have to stop giving before you can go on unemployment? #freehandouts

Newest idea: Kickstarter campaign to help fund startup capital for a Batcave.

Just realized that my “thinking face” is probably my “bathroom face” as well.

I'm going to get a tattoo of a bigger dick on my dick.

The best defense is a good offense. #upsidesofheartattack

A lot of people say my cat is fat. I guess that's what I get for always telling it, “There are starving cats in Africa.”

My mom told me to bless my food or it might end up being poisonous… why is my mother thinking about poisoning me?

I like to consider myself a romantic; I think sunsets are God's way of handing control of the Earth over to the electric companies.

I was just diagnosed with a servere case of Swag Syndrome by the family doctor. . . Dre

Your right to privacy is the same as you're left alone. #seewhatididthere

For Jewish ghost boys who died between the ages of 12 and 14, EVERYDAY'S A BAR MITZVAH! …so that's a plus I guess.

Sometimes I think Greenland must have a huge ego, given how artificially huge it appears on every flat map.

Penguins can't fly, but with global warming at least they can swim!

Somebody should give me money for my new movie, “Titanic 2: The Glacier's Back”.

What was it like losing your virginity at Dairy Queen, people wearing pajama pants in public?

Keeping something under lock and key doesn't sound nearly as safe as locking something up and taking the key.

to find Michael Jacksons body, go to the cemetary where he's buried and play “Thriller”. The zombie dancing, that's him

Guys who have it rough have incredibly large peens. So congratulations (Insert any WMBA Player's name here)!

Midgets Trick Or Treating. You may laugh now.

I ate a meal at a senior citizens home today. It tasted like something somebody ready to die would like

“Ejector seats are for pussies” -Most men who die in plane crashes

My teacher keeps on showing off his spanish speaking skills, so I'm assume that he just got deported for a year

What's the big deal about saltwater? Why is only unsalted water considered fresh? Is salt that dirty? Don't we put salt on everythin we eat?

Count the number of wolves on your t-shirt. That's the amount of women you'll never have sex.

It's about time inner cities put morning after pills in gumball machines.

Have you ever driven around drunk looking for a pay phone so you can call a taxi?

People with no arms don't have to buy deodorant, so them bitches really got nothing to complain about.

Every time someone says “99.9% of the time” I think, “What a fucking coward.” Let's start committing to “never” & “always.”

Unfortunately for the protesters against cock cages, the only applicable signs were “FREE DICKS” and “FREE WILLY.”

For future reference, dog and pony shows are nothing like chick and pony shows.

What is the deal with soda water. Are there people who want hiccups but have trouble getting them?

One time I drank 10 beers in a movie theater and ended up puking. I'm assuming they kicked me out for bringing up outside food.

What's all this talk about Jeremy Rin?

I started a non-profit organization that's become a big hit on campus. It's called SADD: Sometimes Against Drunk Driving.

There are only two ways prostitutes can make more money: seduce richer men, or have faster sex. It's a toss-up.

Rappers: gotta love em for their strong work rhetoric.

Some people call hookers sluts, others call them disgusting. I call them because I'm lonely.

“Let them get baked.” -Mary Jane Antoinette

Condoms in porn, the worst thing since…condoms in real life.

I imagine having sex with a robot feels like masturbating with a greasy Slinky.

High schoolers everywhere agree, the #1 way to trim your budget is to order a water and fill it with a fountain drink.

The saying “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” should apply to everyone except Adam and Eve.

History is soooo yesterday's news.

I like to think of my sperm as an army of one, that way I come in first place every time.

Try CrossFit, the strength training developed by Jesus Christ! If you're not impervious to crucifixion in 30 days, we'll refund your money!

The difference between my dog and Rick Santorum is one humps guys' legs and the other is a Cocker Spaniel named Joyce.

Report: Facebook User Sitting Too Close to Screen Poked in Eye

Studies show the most common time for a heart attack to occur is Mon morning. The second most common time is when you're least expecting it.

If they dropped the “cleansing” and called them ethnic bubble baths, way more people would be into it.

I've developed a new speed dating system for type A personalities only. It's called IntimiDate.

Is it ironic that fish live in glass houses and the only thing we give them are stones?

The most rewarding thing about being a prostitute is the money. The least rewarding thing is finding out how little you're worth.

Happy New Year, Chinese people. Once again, nothing to look forward to.

Caveman society: the original club life.

Red Bull Feminine Hygiene: Gives you wings!

I read the newspaper this morning in an attempt to learn something about the world, only to realize that the internet has less advertising.

The best way to save the mood if a girl starts crying during sex is to say, “Oh my god, your face is soooo wet!” And then finger her eyes.

A 24-hour Wikipedia outage?! Encyclopedia Britannica just came harder than it has in 11 years.

Remember, never give the homeless cash, they'll just use it for drugs. Get your drugs from them first, then give them the cash.

When I call my dog a little bitch it's really more of a fact than a hate crime.

All I want in life is to get married and have children #nohomo

January is just an excuse for February, right? What a joke.

Baby, nothing compares to you. But that's only because you said stop looking at other girls.

Barney has positively affected kids just as much as R&B has positively affected white people sex.

My ex says I ran our relationship into the ground because I refused to overcome simple hurdles. I think I'm just bad at track and field.

“Wait, freedom isn't free?! Damnit, how much do I owe?” -Over-educated homeless guy

Public serviced announcement: I just masturbated outside.

I like my coffee like I like two girls: in one cup.

Every time I take a multi-vitamin, I feel bad for all the single vitamins out there.

My uncle told me he would watch over me right before he died. Being molested by him made that mad awkward son.

If you're havin girl problems I feel bad for you son. But let's be honest, your mom and I didn't give you much to work with.

I'm only half against gay marriage.

Everyone's New Year's resolution should be to believe that girl is only stripping to pay for clown school.

Happy New Year everyone! Except for the Chinese.

I call it stream of consciousness driving. The cops call it DUI. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

I've decided to major in femmebot programming because I'm an expert at “see puss puss.”

How can it be dirty if it's in the shower? #sanduskydefense

Christmas Day Celebration Drunk Meter: (# of immediate family members)^2 + (# of extended family members) = # of drinks consumed by 9pm.

Do any animals besides reindeer give a shit about Christmas?

Sometimes I add the “gift wrap” option to my own online orders. #foolschristmas

Are the people in softcore porns actually having sex? Or is it so called because even the dude is soft to the core?

I'm just a cat in a dog eat dog world. At least I take care of my own shit.

Casi-no-no's: “Hi, I'd like to make an Indian reservation for two, please?”

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and ask the chiseled, manly 1983 me out to dinner. Wow, I've really dated myself here.

There's a strong case to be made for high gravity beer.

If being poor was attractive, my wallet would be getting me so much “tang” at this homeless shelter right now.

The guy I always see in mirrors is the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly.

I sinked my Twitter with my Facebook and all I got was a wet laptop. Fuckin' technology man.

Buy low, get high. #donewithfinals

There's a fine line between “Ya bro, get that pussy!” and “Ahh fuck, my boy's got a girlfriend.”

Public buses are harborers of lost dreams and people who god just loves a little less than everybody else.

My favorite part about “Glee” is the mute button.

In the United Kingdom, people sext each other with carrier pigeons just cause.

Whenever someone warns me that a girl has too much baggage, I remind them that I'm an expert at relationshipping and handling.

You're the pick of the litter, and I mean that in a strictly “best of trash” kind of way.

Is it appropriate to offer the phrase “what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger” to someone battling cancer?

I still get a 16-year-old-style boner whenever I'm watching HBO and “Brief Nudity” pops up on the rating card before a movie.

Paulina Gretzky is so hot I would personally attempt to dismantle an Iranian nuke just to taste her cum-laden puke.

I didn't shop on Black Friday but I did hire an illegal immigrant for the lowest price of the year. Now that's what I call economy savings!

Mmm, eating a leftover turkey sandwich while monitoring my stock portfolio, watching college football, and e-tailing on Amazon. #WhiteFriday

Whenever a person puts their finger on themselves and makes a sizzle sound, an orphan chimney sweep gets hosed down… probably.

I had sex with a chick so ugly I had to double-bag it: one bag over her head and another one over mine.

This 5-Hour Energy commercial makes me feel a lot better about my meth addiction.

Websites love to brag about user engagement, but I'm not married to the idea.

It would be so sweet if there was a street gang called “The Peanuts Crew” that only fought gang bangers with peanut allergies.

I'm considering dropping out of school and buying a shitload of fortune cookies to get a “quality education.”

Seeing “Final Destination” in 3D is basically just a cry for help.

Do you think a rapist ever apologizes for coming too soon? “Oh my god, I'm sorry, this never happens!”

I wear sunglasses to hide my crooked eye and the fact that I'm a generally good person.

If music be the food of love, play Slayer and let's hate-fuck.

Atlantic-Pacific Morning Traffic Report for November 6th: “Be advised, the Panama Canal is closed today. Please use the Strait of Magellan.”

The day I get pregnant will be really sad because it's the same day I find out I'm a woman.

A dog is just a puppy that's got it's shit together.

I'm going as Brett Favre for Halloween this year. I'm not going to dress up, I'm just going to text everyone a picture of my penis.

I'm gonna get my dad authentic French cologne and put a “Made in China” sticker on it, just to see if he'll finally stop loving me.

WORLD champion St. Louis Cardinals? Really? Congratulations, Major League Baseball, winner of this year's World Champion Geography Series.

“I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.” -Almost any gay guy ever

If you ever see a zombie, you're right, it's Michael Jackson.

What is #OccupyWallStreet protesting? A) All of the below B) Cannot determine based on the information available C) All of the above

I only floss once every four weeks or so, so yes, ladies, I do, in fact know what it's like to bleed once a month.

When my dog does something cool I give him a thumbs up to say, “Hey nice job! But stay in your place.”

Every day the Moon got bored and declared, “I think it's high tide for a change!” Shutup, Moon.

Your mom's so fat, she visited NYC and they called it Occupy Wall Street. Turns out it's much more than a movement: it's her bowel movement.

I think we can all agree, Jenny only married Forrest for the money.

I hate the music they play at hipster bars. And I can never change the song because the jukeboxes only take $2 bills and silver dollars.

“Hey, cool it with the language, bro. Do you lick my mom's asshole with that mouth too?” #insultfail

If you ever get a divorce, don't forget to say those five small words, “It's not me, it's you.”

One time I rubbed a magic lamp so hard, instead of three wishes, I got genie cum all over me.

Got an autographed copy of the Bible along with a note today: “Who wrote this shit?? Jesus Christ, man!! -God”

What do you call second place at a marathon? RUNNER-UP!

All hail our creator: frozen water.

I live every day like it's my second to last. That way I can sleep off the hangover before I die.

A plumber told me my apartment is unusual because it has fairly soft water. …So THAT explains my erectile dysfunction.

I don't know about you, but I'm optimistic about Steve Jobs' three day outlook because he knew a thing, or two, about resurrection.

I tried to play music on my iPod and it returned a message saying, “Geeeez, have some respect! A moment of silence, please…” #ripstevejobs

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones….or sex parties.

What are your pants called after you jizz in them? Deoxyribonucleic acid wash jeans.

To the girl at the 8th grade dance who sucked her boyfriend's finger during a slow song, I will never forget you.

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a conference call naked.

The 10th anniversary of September 27, 2001 is tomorrow. Never forget!

Is it too late to start a blog about NBC's Friends?

If the best things in life are free, why do I always have to pay for sex?

Was it in bad form to hold the “Burn Victim Benefit Luncheon” at the local Hibachi Grille?

Women think that men look sexy when they're sad. That's why they try so hard to make us miserable.

My life is like going down the slide at a McDonald's Playplace: fun at first, but then you find the shit stain and think Well now what?

If I had a choice between being born with no arms or no legs, I would choose the coathanger.

I always found it strange that during breakfast, I ate Cheerios, my sister ate Frosted Flakes, and my parents.had sex on the kitchen table.

I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

I still remember my first kiss. Her name was Becky and she was my favorite horse at the rodeo.

I think brunch is a codeword some people use, which means let's get really fucking drunk and pass out by 4pm.

My cousin Greg is deaf. In other words, he's hard as shit to find when we're playing Marco Polo.

In these lean economic times, the double-ended dildo just seems like more bang for your buck.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but my taser gun shoots 20 feet and will make you piss yourself. You done with the name-calling?

Waka Flocka Flame: hottest new rapper in the game, or a Muppet who's really into arson?

Combining your middle name and the street you grew up on gives you your porn name. Unfortunately, that makes me Andrew 48th Street SW.

As a homeless Jewish person, I have mixed emotions when people throw change at me.

There is nothing like driving through America, finding a nice breakfast joint, and quadrupling the number of teeth in the establishment.

I bought a book titled, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Complete Idiot. I read it while I'm rollerblading on my treadmill.

It's really hard to find a date as a straight man with a female gym teacher fetish.

In an attempt to hit on the bartender, I asked her for a Sex on the Beach. Instead she made me a Go Fuck Yourself In the Parking Lot.

If it's hip to be square, I wonder if diamonds are pissed about that.

I like being a man for two reasons: 1. I don't have to explain myself, and 2. WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Women: you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em without a gallon of hydrochloric acid, and a non-ceramic coated bathtub.

Mark Anthony looks like if the Holocaust happened in Puerto Rico.

You want me to tie my shoes? That's a tall order, said the barista.

You know what they say about poop? It's a real panty dropper.

Rachel Black is the Two Girls and Cup of teen pop music.

Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.

What does the Crypt Keeper and your mother have in common? They're both fucking old dudes.

Your mom knows you smoke weed. Her only problem is that you never invite her to join a session.

Long John Silver's: Now you seafood, now you don't.

What gender/sexuality do you have to be to masturbate to Cher?

If you give a man a fish, he'll be fed for a day. If you poison the fish, he'll be fed for life.

It's a lot creepier to tell someone you recognize them from Google Image Search than from Facebook.

It's been a long time since my last haircut… I'd say I got pretty good bangs for my buck.

More like Steve Out-of-a-Job(s), am I right?

My favorite band is so underground they only play in caves. #hipsterlife

I'd like to come clean… I really miss the no cleanup years of jerking off.

Jesus walked on water… because he's black.

My neighbors called the police 'cause my dog wouldn't stop barking. At least the cops didn't find out about the OTHER meth lab.

Pocahontas: the little Injun that could.

My boy said it's gonna be a fancy weekend, surf and turf all the way. I told him I'm out, fantasy football isn't really my thing.

Is it creepy that the feminine hygiene section of the drugstore looks exactly like the girl's section at a toy store?

I miss the no cleanup years of jerking off. Who knew even masturbation would get more complicated.

What's a Chinese pirates favorite letter? It's L.

If anybody ever makes you feel like shit, just remember, fecal matters.

They call me the weed prophet 'cause my hindsight is 4/20 and my foresight is 2040.

The Ancient Chinese Secret is da da da daaaaaaa…. communism.

I'm working on a joke about a guy with a really small penis who has sex with a girl… I'm gonna call it he's just not that into you.

You think 7 years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom!

It's the little things that say I stalk you.

I hate the horizontal tearing part of magazine/newspaper coupons. It's like, not only am I poor, I have the craft skills of a kindergartner.

Hey girl watchu doing with that pencil skirt? I'd love to write all over that!!” – An inappropriate way to charmingly hit on a classy lady.

Dumb jocks, BOOKS ARE MY STEROID!” -Weakling

You can defeat every child's superpower by saying, Unfortunately it's all in your imagination.

The sequel to “The Vagina Monologues” is “Queefs Galore”!

This suicide is TO DIE FOR!” -Kid at a soda fountain

I'm soooo gay for homophobia.

If, in any conversation ever, someone tells you they're writing their manifesto, it's probably best to call the cops right then.

If you're on the Highway to the Danger Zone, stop at exit 48 for gas. There's a McDonalds, Starbucks and Taco Bell/Pizza Hut there, too.

My girlfriend told me, It's either me, or the dog. I'm still deciding which bitch I like better.

If I weren't such a pretentious douche, I think I could be a pretty nice guy….

If My Nipples Were Guns: The Lifetime Original Movie based on a true story.

What did the swimming pool say to the angry hot tub? Hey, cool your jets man.

Tell me again what's so special about Rovie Wade?

I have the receipts that prove I wasn't with strippers!

In the future, we will extract power from rainbows. Unfortunately, the Rainbow Power Company will hold a monopoly and force us into slavery.

I just finished reading a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down.

I never understood why it's called cheating; nobody ever really wins. Well, except for the guy fucking the shit outta your girlfriend.

It looks like Johnny Depp has hired a European hobo as his stylist.

If Karma doesn't hit you, I will.

If I was the girl in the Take On Me music video, I wouldn't have gone with that guy in the comic book. He seemed sketchy.

If Wiz Khalifa is money affiliated, then I'm sadness affiliated.

Day in and day out; carpe diem: phrases that mean nothing to me.

So, like, did that entire family not realize cousin Skeeter was a puppet?

Remember when the song Lick You Like A Lollipop was popular? Good times, good times.

Bartender, a round of drinks for everyone! Sir, you are aware this is a Chuck E' Cheese?

Whenever I'm told to slip into something more comfortable, I always end up with my socks still on. And holding a stuffed animal.

Exaggerize? To exaggerize something? That sounds about right.

The bartender just cut me off because he said I reached my limit on Sprites.

Do you think in the wake of everything that has happened so far with her, I could get Casey Anthony to babysit for cheaper?

Every time someone gets mad that we don't have flying cars yet, I remind them that we haven't de-invented alcohol. #FUI

Why's your girlfriend such a trainwreck?

How many hookers do I have to kill to get a blowjob around here? …Oh really? You just pay them? Then what, kill them, or.. I don't get it.

The Headless Horseman must have a Jewish girlfriend.

Well, hope I don't die in my sleep tonight.” – Any old person, ever.

5 Hour Energy should change their name to Meth Light.

In the wake of all this Casey Anthony business, it's like the government just WANTS me to kill my kids.

It's 2011 and we still don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. C'mon, people!

The reason DMX has had so many brushes with the law and problems with drugs and alcohol is simple: He never really got over Aaliyah.

My friend sunburns pretty easily, he can hardly go out. He even burns when standing next to someone with a bright future.

In the Land of the Blind the one-eyed man is asked to read a lot of shitty screenplays.

My deaf friend told me his favorite silent film stars are Charlie Chaplin and Leonardo Dicaprio.

Running away and joining the circus must have taken a great deal of coordination for the Siamese Twins.

The Benediction Of Anna – new emo/screamo/heavymetal/grunge/lame band name. Call me when the royalty checks start coming in.

The necrophiliac found it hard to keep relationships fresh.

Drake makes lambs look dangerous.

I like to act aimless and aloof because most people mistake it for being deep and profound. Joke's on them!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST… is almost as fun to type as it is to imagine.

Hey, single moms: I'm good with kids.

My boyish charm won't work forever. Read: I'm lonely and that stopped years ago. Who am I kidding?

We get it Adele: you're rich and people still dump you.

So many drug dealers moved their stash from inside their couches after having seen 25th Hour.

I feel like I'm a good enough candidate to be approached for a heist.

Some girl called me up and said Come over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

Contemplating suicide. No! No not like that….. it's for my thesis paper.

Just cheered up a crying kid by saying, Push those emotions deep down and by the time you're 23 you'll have shot up a 7-Eleven!

Whenever I consume 5-Hour Energy I'm always filled with a white-hot anger akin to Roid Rage.

Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it–whoa whoa, not THAT much.

LOL you guys my friend loaned me Laguna Beach Season 1, drama this week is gonna be so nuts!

Excuse me, but you look exactly like an uglier version of someone I've never met.

I think the name Ping Pong trivializes the sport.

I good prank you can pull is changing someone's subscription of Cat Fancy to Dog Fancy.

Ryan Dunn died the way he lived… with pieces of a car up his ass.

There was a time in my life when all I listened to was Simple Plan and My Chemical Romance. Those were the good ol' angst.

Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you were in there? PS: The ladies restrooms are not as clean as you think.

Sometimes I type racist status updates on Facebook and set the privacy setting to Only Me. Is that racist?

My dad finally came home from buying that pack of cigarettes! Yay, Father's Day!!

Listening to “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch and just realized that dancing alone is just as bad as dancing alone.

Just had a Big Breakfast platter from McDonald's and now I know what it's like to feel alive.

If you have never thought about microwaving a PB & J sandwich then I have no interest in speaking to you. Get out of my car. Get out!

Dear Girl Wearing Yoga Pants, Thank you. Sincerely, Turned On.

dudes no im not drunk not even a litle bit im mean all i had wa sa wine cooler and maybe sum jack daniels listen to this song man LISTENNN

Dudes. Serious question: Am I original? Am I the only one? Am I sexual? Am I everything you need?

I asked my mom for something Cuban for my birthday. She got me a Che Guevara t-shirt. Clothes, but no cigar.

If blood runs thicker than water then it should make for a good bouillabaisse sauce, right?

Alright!? Who put all these Serta sheep in my room!?!

My mom called and told me my grandma just died. Ugh, story of my life. My birthday was right around the corner.

My life is composed of tears and self-loathing. Just kidding! ūüôĀ

Dude, I can't read your tweets. You've got terrible penmanship.

When I'm on my deathbed, surrounded by family, I want my last words to be I left one million dollars in the…

You know what will never go out of style? Making girls cry. Yay chauvinism!!

Wow. My pee is an unhealthy shade of yellow.

I was low on cash so I stuck up a ATM with my glock and it said, pleaseihaveafamily.

My imaginary friend and I never got along. He kept stealing my markers. He is buried in my childhood home's backyard. No one knows a thing.

Just saw a spider crawl across my wall. Suddenly the illusion of living in this basement has been shattered.

Bob Seger's lyric way up firm and high is not about a ladies breasts; his mother improperly placed a cantaloupe out of the singer's reach.

Finnegans Wake: A book written by an author with his eyes closed high on Absinthe hello today dfsl nernemandiosn

Twitter: A place for lazy thought-stalkers.

I'm always a little bummed when I wake up in the mornings and STILL don't have superpowers.

Dear passing motorist, I'm sorry I couldn't hear your berating insults over the low hum of my Prius. Going green one jerk at a time.

Coming this summer… in a breakout returning performance… Michael J. Fox in “Hold Me Close, I'm Shaking.”

Another day another dollar, said Rockefeller as he looked out among his vast amount of slaves.

I was listening to Lil Wayne's prepubescent girl voice and he says the money is the motive a lot. So, if he kills anyone, we'll know why.

Huffing paint is such an abstract way to get high.

I seem to be drawn to girls with fresh makeup runs under their eyes. It's like my Bat-signal or something.

I blame my farts on small children and homeless people.

Is there a fetish for white guys who like white girls who like black guys?

The spray bottle from work read: Made From Concentrate. I don't know what that means but I'm no longer drinking orange juice.

My penis is my right hand man.

Did you know that if you mix sadness and darkness on the color spectrum you get emo??

My GDP is skyrocketing. Who would've thought guns, drugs and pussy were so lucrative?

Lisa Frank is like the ‘Ed Hardy' for little girls.

What's it called when you're sleepwalking but you're not sleeping or walking; you're just kinda trying to grope your girlfriend at 3AM?

Tried out a new terrorist joke at an open mic last week and it totally bombed. Tried the same joke last night and it KILLED!

Dark movie theaters account for at least 60 of regrettable hookups.

Eating at the family dinner table has been proven to breakup more homes than save them.

People always act weird around me when I start talking about adventures with my stuffed animal. Is it what I'm stuffing it with?

That new Portal game looks fun. If I want to achieve celibacy and live in my mother's basement.

When two hearts race, both win. When three hearts race, somebody's coming second, and somebody's probably not gonna finish.

3D porn. Whaaaat? That's a game changer.

Accidentally went into the Ladies room today. Wasn't until 3 hours later that I realized the free mouth sponge was a tampon. Classic.

Most surprisingly used button on my DVD player remote control: the open button.

Ya know, Romeo was just trying to get that nut.

To all the Bobs out there, Feel free to wear a shirt the next time you decide to mow your lawn at 9 AM on a Saturday.

It was then, in that Wal-Mart bathroom stall where he saw the quality of the toilet paper, that he knew his butt was in trouble.

I used to do acid in high school. That's probably why I'm not a doctor.

Babysitting kids but I'm not sure what the rules are. You can leave them at gas stations while you run errands right?

Herbert Hoover didn't like being Prez. It was widely reported that he was caught writing, this place sux on the Oval Office bathroom wall.

I did the math and I've gotten my heart broken a lot by girls. But at least I got the last laugh and broke their legs.

Memorial Day is a day where we think about those who died during military service, so Halliburton could earn more money.

Raking the lawn is the most useless thing to do in the world. Hanging Christmas lights, though, now that's a different story.

Congratulations, self, for not exceeding any expectations I hoped to have accomplished by now.

You see that odd obscurity in the corner of the picture that can probably be explained by faulty camera work? ….That's a ghost, man.

President Obama promises to cut Jay-Z's problems down to 75 by 2013.

The rapist?? No no no! Therapist!

I totally had my fingers crossed behind my back when I took the Hippocratic Oath.

What if this bad weather is caused by our stressed collective consciousness? If so, directing anger at Justin Bieber may cause tornadoes.

I drink to be happy, and I'm happy to be drunk. It's not such a vicious cycle.

1 in 5 people suffer from sort of STD. What kind of syphilisation are we living in?

I wonder if anyone has ever gotten really high on life and watched The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.

My celibate friend is so annoying. He doesn't believe in fucking anything!

Masturbating to one of your friends' significant others isn't weird, unless they come too.

Sometimes when I'm lonely I chat with automated instant message bots while listening to Mad World by Michael Andrews. And cry.

I'm meditating my balls off, man.” -The Dalai Lama #famousquotes

I ride my bike once a month for about 5 days straight. I like to think of myself as a menstrual cyclist.

Every time I see a person's self pic taken using their bathroom mirror, I imagine how frustrating it must be to be a tripod salesman today.

“Man cannot live on bread alone.” If he's on Adderall he sure as fuck can.

So a woman drives into a bar…

Way to be PIC (politically incorrect). Now DIY (discuss inappropriately ya'll).

Five days until the rapture. Are you prepared? If not, you can still participate by praying to Jesus or Kirk Cameron by midnight May 20.

You can have your bukkake and eat it too.

Say like you have 5 apples but give 2 away. How many do you have left? Answer: 3, but now homeland security has targeted you as a socialist.

Saturday the 14th is a day of rest for serial killers, spooky ghosts and monsters.

I've decided to stop going to stores that say Please use other door until they get THAT door fixed. I call it my Open door policy.

Humans love to dance, and many animals enjoy it as well. Dolphins are great dancers, but many say it's because they snort a lot of cocaine.

I named my dog Bob because he'll always be a barker, and if the price is right, he'll sniff out whatever drugs you want.

If Applebees knew the history of salt, maybe they'd show some discretion and not soak all their food with it.

Happy Stepmother's Day to all my friends' new bitches!

What do you call it when a guy nuts all over a girl's chest? A squirrel necklace.

Giving me a blow job is just like a day at the spa with Helga. Only, when I give a facial the cucumber isn't covering your eyes.

Ghost Dad” should be remade with Vince Vaughn, and it should go straight to DVD, so I can buy it as a double-feature with the original.

I've gone to the store and forgotten my list so many times that I'm beginning to think lists are more like a study tool than a cheat sheet.

I want to go as a hobo for Halloween, but with the recession and tuition, it's a little too close to the truth.

Junk Mail: The Original Spam! Now with more Earth-killing power!

Roughly speaking, I think a sandpaper cut would hurt way worse.

On Maury, I've always wanted the joke to be on the kid: You're NOT the father and YOU'RE not the mother! Send this thing to the orphanage.

If you're going to try and sleep your way to the top, make sure the sex is consensual.

Women's basketball is like softcore porn: I'll masturbate to it, but I'm NOT happy about it.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. – Lennon/McCartney on rape.

Just got done private browsing and I really wish I had Toshiba's wipeable keyboard.

Gang rape haiku: You scream, you scream, we all don't scream, just you scream.

If you were really drunk and Tom Brady was the only girl left at the bar, would you fuck him?

There is no ‘I' in team, but there is a ‘U' in cunt.

Years ago my friend told me about a girl he was dating who liked it up the ass. They're getting married. Is a butt plug a good wedding gift?

I imagine the term final exam sounds a little scarier when you're on death row.

The lines at Walmart are always so long. Why is it that poor people take up so much space?

I was rendered speechless when I received the bill for my car repairs. I don't talk during sex, and it was clear that I was getting fucked.

I would venture a guess that ANYTIME Julian Assange has sex it's a surprise.

I'm starting a new vasectomy video website: Don't get it twisted, ya'll.

The easiest way to win a fight in a McDonald's is to launch an all-out counterattack. The hardest way is to eat a Filet-O-Fish first.

Why is it that the only time all the traffic lights are green is when I need to text someone?

Informing everyone around you about the details of your new diet is almost more important than not eating everything in sight, fatty.

If I had the time for every nickel I saw, I'd be a busy man. Or would I be not busy since it's so easy to work them into my schedule? Fuck.

Lying about a death in the family to get out of something isn't nearly as bad as going the extra mile to make it the cutest toddler ever.

This just in: Lawyer vows that client's conviction will be overturned on appeal. This just in the future: Client's appeal request denied.

So much drama in the USA, its kinda hard bein Wiki LEAKS. But I, somehow, someway, keep comin up with funky ass leaks like every single day.

But you guuuys, you PROMISED you wouldn't buy another Kanye West album!! UGGHHH!!

Statistically speaking, today is your worst day to quit cold turkey.

5 out of 6 people enjoy gang rape.

This just in: American flag passes waving test with flying colors.

Thurs Night, 8pm: PILGRIMS vs. INDIANS, LIVE on PAY-PER-VIEW! You know how the first one turned out, now ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!

It must be really exciting to run from the police on foot. It also must suck to be literally only one step ahead of the law.

The world doesn't revolve around me, but technically I do revolve around the world.

The best thing about jerking off in the rain is that no one can see you cry.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how many regrets R&B singers have. Have any of them even LISTENED to their predecessors?

Breaking the seal: the only way to get useful intelligence out of a terrorist seal.

If you jack off to the last time you jacked off, does that make you a narcissist or a jack of your trade?

You can't spell butt sex without best.

So little time, so much half price Halloween candy.

What do you think the band Train does when they are not busy being the greatest fucking band in the world?

Premeditated murder gets you the death penalty, but what does predestined murder get you, a gold star? Clearly, the guy had it coming.

My friend is half black, half Jew, which is tough, because I never know if he's going to steal my stuff or eat all my fried chicken.

The answer is, Every song on this album mentions De Niro at least one. What is Jay-Z: The Hits Collection, Volume One?

It must be awesome being Mick Jagger. His lips can double as a raft or a man purse. So clever. So stylish.

I'm a Jesus fucker: in God I thrust.

Things you'll need: Leather straps, car battery, vanilla frosting, and a sense of adventure.

Word of the day: Fuckwrench. Usage: Hey, fuckwrench!

What did the frustrated Asian say when his grill wouldn't start? Arrrrgh, I can't get the pirate right to work!!

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

I'd like to bend it IN Beckham, no homo.

PIC was a ghost writer for Halloween. Totally underappreciated costume.

They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but that's only because I get paid to be a garbage man.

I pity the fool, but I also have to laugh at myself for wearing all this jewelry sometimes.

I found a great couples costume at the store today. Too bad my girlfriend's going as a whore. She doesn't know it's Halloween.

Slogans I don't want to see at my local whorehouse: The nail that sticks up gets pounded down, The ugly bird gets the worm.

Time stood still as the two post-coital lovers gazed at each other with faces that could stop a clock. The bumpin uglies were satisfied.

Having to make the choice between smoking cigarettes and jogging is a tough decision. But I would much rather kill myself than go for a run.

My girlfriend got upset today because she said she feels like she's in an abusive relationship. Whatever happened to sticks and stones?

I have a great fisting joke, but I'm never sure if it packs the right punch.

I took a date back to my place last night but she didn't want to move too fast. I told her don't worry, I fuck much slower than I drive.

You know, since she dropped the -Amber from her name, I feel like Tiffani Thiessen has become so much more versatile as an actress.

Is the last straw the straw that broke the camels back?

Is the difference between the second last and the last nail in a coffin really that vast?

Rapper T.I. explains The Message to would-be jumper; Ends 13-year reign of suicide prevention champion Third Eye Blind

I was arrested once for breaking & entering… a woman's vagina. Prosecutors had a fancy name for it, I still call it a Miss Demean Her.

Is it any surprise that the worst place to take a shit is a Barnes & Noble bathroom? Here ya go, one large coffee and a literary laxative.

Freed Chilean miners can't believe we STILL don't have flying cars.

Judge orders end to don't ask, don't tell policy. Guess it's back to two dicks don't make a right.

Given the choice, I'd rather be trapped in a mine than trapped in a yours.

After 68 days of intense underground training, 33 Chilean miners are set to move up to the majors tomorrow.

The word of the day is legs. Spread the disease.

Wondering, if I say I had a ‘gay ole time' will Anderson Cooper say that's homophobic?

The only time rednecks can't sing Proud to Be an American with that patriotic swagger is Gay Pride Weekend.

How many times do I have to tell you NO before I get hot and bothered enough to break down and have sex with you anyway? COME ON, GUYS.

Note to self: Buy new toilet paper before the emergency box of Kleenex runs out.

WE WANT DONG SHOTS! /clap, clap, clap-clap-clap WE WANT DONG SHOTS!…

I don't always suck cock, but when I do, I prefer Bud Light Lime.

I hate that almost everyone has the same iPhone ring. I now associate it with my fav porn site, my ex-gf, and my morning alarm. FMP

Do you think Native Americans ever get extra pissed off when a hotel tells them there's no reservations available?

I am a master of both the Twit and the Twat.

Good to see Kanye is wearing Razor Roman's casual wear from 1993.

Ever had a shaboobie that both shamed you and brough you pride? To flush or to show, that is the question…..

I'm the only one who can bang my shawty helicopter style, don't get it twisted.

What good is naming a show Survivor if no one ever dies? You want drama? Take a hint from cancer, CBS.

I can't take people on PointsInCase seriously. I know they just watched Survivor and smell like frustrated virginity.

I can't take people on Survivor seriously. I know they just wiped their butts with pinecones and they smell like smoldering spiced ass.

Shoulda been you Jeff Dunham.#ripgreggiraldo

Hey common, Peyton would have made a great Vice President. I don't understand why everyone calls her and her supporters retarted.

Retarded like Eli Manning, not retarded like Peyton.

FYI: Taye Diggs will be appearing on Chelsea Lately tonight. TMI: I'll be masturbating to Taye Diggs' appearance on Chelsea Lately tonight.

Dick is to short of a word for my dick. My antidisestablishmentarianism says ‘yes' but all the women I've ever talked to (3) say ‘no.' ūüôĀ

My dick says yes but my brain says….. Wait, where is my brain? Nevermind, I'm gettin some brain now.

My brain says no, but my pants say…..Wait, where are my pants?

What is the latest thing holding up the death penalty? Poor execution.

Just found out my life has a vagina. FML

There isn't much work involved in smelling like a horse's ass. Step 1: Be You.

Your stench could only be ditched by drinking bleach.

I'd love to stay and chat, but your breath smells like a horse's ass on a humid summer's day. ……G'Day!

Now here's a novel idea: I think I'm going to write a book.

My girlfriend's so hot, she stops traffic! But only when I throw her from the car..

Millionaire owner of Segway scooters transitions smoothly into afterlife; Somehow makes device appear even more ridiculous in the process.

Cooties were of a better time before VD and anal bleaching. R.I.P Cootie Queens and Lint Lickers. I'll pour a juice box out for you my homie

Did you know that cum has calories in it?? No wonder fat girls are so good at giving head.

Why didn't settlers in the New World just enslave the Indians? What a waste of resources, right?

What's worse than finding an AIDS worm in your Adam's apple? Waking up in an alley, with an anal plug, and a bill for services rendered.

What's worse than being raped? Finding an AIDS worm in your Adam's apple.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped.

When men engage me in small talk I assume they're gay. My response is always: Look buddy, leave the money on the nightstand and get out.

Are those astronaut pants? Because it looks like you're wearing a diaper.

I went to see The Nut Cracker and there was no ballet parking.

If my genitalia wasn't an underdeveloped prepubescent wasteland Justin Bieber would probably make me wet.

What I really need is a girl that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.

I before E, except after Old MacDonald had a farm.

Do you require medical attention? I have all 6 seasons of Grey's Anatomy on DVD.

… and on the seventh day God rested. But not before creating the concept of Rape.

I am convinced Quagmire from Family Guy is Charlie Sheen, but no one will believe me……..Ooooo Hillshire Farms. Go MEAT!

It's on tv so it must be true! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah Boi!!!!

I need a vacation. Think I can book rehab on orbitz?

I don't understand Twitter ūüôĀ Does that make me my grandma?

I just saw Lindsey Lohan and suddenly got a hankering to go to Joe's Crab Shack.

Do you think the Carrot Top matches the Carrot Bottom?

Wetnap – n. 1. a nocturnal emission that occurs during the mid-afternoon 2. what you will need if you have a #1

If you're having religious reformation problems I feel bad for you son, I've got 95 Theses on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences.

[hookt] on [fuh-net-iks]

The fact that Mike Vick is the best player on my fantasy team should show how truest desperate I am.

Waiter and Writer are only one letter off. Now refill my iced tea.

I just farted and a little squirt of something came out, but I didn't get up from the couch or inspect for damage. Lazy or gross?

VD sounds like an iPod app instead of the snatch apocalypse. Abbreviations make being a douche easier one college drop-out at a time….Yeah.

I don't watch Dancing with the Stars, but I heard they bounced Hasselhoff. Bummer, man. you don't hassle the hoff.

“Teens who eat with the family are less likely to do drugs.” (CNN) Because they are more likely to be fat and have less friends to do drugs with.

Everytime Sarah Palin says something stupid, a baby gets a brain…. Such a nice lady.

Oh man, Keith Richard's wrinkles look so comfy. It's like a Snuggie on his face.

I've gone to the store and forgotten my list so many times that I'm beginning to think lists are more like a study tool than a cheat sheet.

I want to go as a hobo for Halloween, but with the recession and tuition, it's a little too close to the truth.

Dear fellow Homo Sapiens, whose bright idea was it to leave nice, warm Africa? Was it you, Carl?

Texas is about to legalize gay divorce. Conservative Republicans are set to argue about the sanctity of divorce.

I love driving but it's getting in the way of my texting.

Nike says they were going to give Michael Vick shoes, but he kept pulling the tongues off.

Wild Things scores at box office, though hundreds of thousands are let down that Neve Campbell and Denise Richards don't score in this one.

Junk Mail: The Original Spam! “Now with more Earth-killing power!”

New Orleans looks to Cuba for disaster plans, because if Katrina didn't do the job then maybe Castro could finish them off once and for all.

Turns out Iran's hardliner president Ahmadinejad is Jewish! It was revealed when he bragged about buying Iran's nuclear program wholesale.

Seinfeld's Bubble Boy sues Balloon Boy for name similarity and credibility defamation. Apparently, everyone now thinks it really is Moops.

Only you can prevent forest fires… unless you live in California.

It seems Botox is suing the government over freedom of expression, which is ironic because that's what Botox prevents.

“The One” is what Oprah called Obama. I'm really worried for the guy, because no¬†one on the planet is surrounded by more agents than him.

6-year-old Colorado boy found alive in a box in the attic after setting balloon adrift. Authorities now tracking a house floating over CO.

I think today's standard for civil disobedience is making a reservation and then not showing up.

If the Founding Fathers were alive today, I think they'd be very impressed with our dish washing technology.

I was an altar boy when I was a kid. I never did get molested, but I was a wino by the time I reached 13.

How come whenever I see an empty train car, my first thought is always “Uh oh,¬†The Rapture!”

“I ran, I ran so far away! I ran, I ran all night and day! I couldn't get away!”¬†Goddamn, those Flock of Seagulls were fucking visionaries!

President Obama is finally getting serious with Iran: “Either dismantle your¬†nukes or we'll block you on Facebook.”

Rio De Janeiro beat Madrid and Chicago to host the 2016 Games. I can't help but feel that Rio has an edge in the booty jiggling event.

Elinor Ostrom just became the first woman to win a Nobel prize in economics and suddenly Obama's doesn't seem as unbelievable to me anymore.

2009 10 12 Р10:15:54 РSome people get very offended by certain types of humor. For instance, you should never force a rape joke on someone.

Megan Fox to be kicked out of Transformers 3! Optimus Prime responds by stating,¬†“Good, that weak ass, whiny cunt is worse then Starscream!”

The death of Patrick Swayze means that Whoopie Goldberg will be getting more work.

Why is the road to Hell paved with good intentions? Is the road to Purgatory paved with indecision?

I'm starting an Egomaniac Club, if you're interested. Yes, I am the President.

I put forth extraordinary effort to strengthen international humor and laughter through this tweet. Now give me my Pulitzer bitches!!

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then are gay people from Uranus and just a little home sick?

The recession has stunted Mexican emigration. Lou Dobbs and Rush Limbaugh have both agreed to hate rocks until things pick up.

The New York Mets are considering changing their uniforms for the upcoming season. Perhaps the New York Yankees uniform?

Neurophysiologically speaking, giant squids must get laid all the time. They are easily excited and they have a huge action potential.

Dick Cheney is planning on writing a book. It will be the first book ever where the entire foreword is redacted.

Has anyone else noticed that Rihanna's voice sounds tremendously better ever¬†since the “got the shit kicked out of her” incident?

Why do some women get offended when you hold a door open for them, but during sex they always want to cum first? Are you a feminist or not?!

I believe I became an atheist the day I realized I was too mature for imaginary friends.

I just got a GPS. But the GPS woman sounds like a snobby valley girl. I wound up going to the Short Hills Mall & picking up a pair of UGGs.

Zombies really suck at head! They may like you for your brains but everyone knows when head is involved, you don't use your fucking teeth!

The Minnesota Vikings said tonight's game against the Packers will be a circus. Only circuses have rings.

Why did PETA name their organization something that makes me want to kill a lamb and stuff it in pocketed flat bread with tzatziki sauce?

I was a very pretentious kid growing up. Like instead of running away to join the circus, I ran away to join Cirque du Soleil.

Iran has agreed to start outsourcing its uranium to other countries for enriching. David Letterman’s intern is now extorting Iran.

The recession is forcing a lot of Americans to cut back. That's why I decided to publish my first book as a series of Twitter updates.

If any of you young scholars of today invent something better than an MP3, I will fucking stab you with it, so you better make it sharp!

No matter how bad my life gets, at least I don't work at the post office.

I don't wanna say that I've had so much anal sex that it's getting tiresome, but my dick has been through some serious shit, yo.

Is it me, or do all balloon animals look like penises?

When I’m driving, I’m pissed off at pedestrians. When I’m walking, I’m pissed off at cars. When I’m falling down pissed, I love everyone!!!!

Filmmakers demand Polanski's release on a 1977 child sex charge. In other news, the 1977 Buffalo Bills now demand the release of OJ Simpson.

I accidentally got my girlfriend pregnant after putting the diamond in her vagina and the Nuva ring on her finger.

It must've been a lot easier to commit suicide back when life expectancy was 30.¬†It's not like ppl were saying “u have so much to live for.”

I was feeling lonely so I got a dog. I decided to name it Republican because it only eats minorities and poor people.

I find cable news very educating. Every time somebody puts it on, I go into the other room and read a book.

If you buy a guinea pig in Italy do you just get a regular pig?

Do people in Cologne, Germany consider CK One to be fresh air?

I'm what you call a paranoid optimist. I always have this nagging suspicion that people are talking with me behind my back.

I saw a guy in a wheelchair on stage at a comedy club the other day. His stand-up wasn't nearly as good as his sit-down.

What did one unborn Chinese twin say to the other one? MAKE SOME WOMB FO ME!!

Roughly speaking, I think a sandpaper cut would hurt way worse.

If I ever got an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, I wouldn't call my doctor, I'd call Bang Bro Casting IMMEDIATELY.

Why don't we have wireless TV yet? Is that the same as satellite TV? In which case, can I launch my TV into space?

Do black people get spam offering penis enlargement?

One of the best things about having sex with someone who doesn't speak English is they don't know if you're calling out the wrong name.

I have an unquenchable thirst to be thirsty.

Do you ever get so high you watch the Spanish Channel…and UNDERSTAND it?

The best place to masturbate in public would obviously be church, because you would be forgiven within minutes.

I got a DUI the other day. It wasn't my fault though, I was drunk.

Long ago I perfected drinking while peeing. Today, I finally ate lunch while shitting. Next up: giving a BJ while getting one?

I think people should relax on Labor Day, just like I think people should spit on the graves of veterans on Memorial Day.

QOTD: “Madonna is a pop star, not an expert on interethnic relations.” After she¬†stood up for Gypsies on tour, against Borat's advice.

I consider myself to be very in touch with today's youth. I don't know if that makes me a child molester or not, but my penis seems happy.

Can black people be ghosts too, or would they stick out too much?

Why would anyone make a sawed off shotgun when they could just carry a saw¬†around…

Do you think anyone's ever gotten post-traumatic stress disorder from a Civil War re-enactment?

If you're applying for a job at a bakery and you fudge on your resume, does that count as a mark against you, or just brown-nosing?

Suddenly, everyone becomes a comedian once a Girls Gone Wild commercial comes on.

Trying to come up with the sexual definition of a squeeze play…

If I opened my own restaurant I'd name it “Money Hungry,” and the most expensive¬†thing on the menu would be a steak called the “Cash Cow.”

If someone makes you eat your words, and you were talking about ice cream or pizza or something, then you might enjoy the taste of defeat.

I want to join eHarmony, say I'm only into fisting, midget sex, and reruns of Married with Children, and see who I'm matched up with.

It's too bad that pornography companies can't really go green.

I'm so good at baseball I can steal first base.

Kim Kardashian is finally single! Finally, my dream of drowning in ass may become a reality.

Found the cure for AIDS, just been a little lazy publishing the results. Should have some extra time this wk, sorry ya'll.

I like to think of it less as eye fucking and more like love at first sight.

It's really hard to get or give road head on a motorcycle.

On Maury, I've always wanted the joke to be on the kid: “You're NOT the father¬†and YOU'RE not the mother! Send this thing to the orphanage.”

Can a woman become double pregnant from a double penetration?

If you really want to save water, try not turning on the sink 2 minutes before you're done brushing you're teeth. It's impossible.

I think it's pretty much a given that midgets don't attend stand-up comedy shows, right? Or circuses really. That'd be a pretty tall order.

Next time somebody refuses to get on a ladder because it's too high, tell them it's ok, it just makes the ladder more focused.

When Jesus has to pray, does he just call his Dad's cell?

Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to READ a WHOLE book to judge it?

New invention idea: An alert that tells you whenever a girl you went to high school with is in a porno.

Years later, in the history books, kids won't understand why OxiClean products needed shouting, unless they just weren't very effective.

Is it wrong to tell people with AIDS to stay positive?

Do you ever see a girl from behind and she looks really hot, then you see her from the front and realize she's asian? (Is that racist?)

I've been on Twitter way before it was cool. So, basically, what I'm saying is, I've been gayer longer than you have.

I just masturbated, and man do I feel several teaspoons lighter.

Being awake at 5 am is lame, unless you're 13 years old at a slumber party!

I think protests should be renamed contests. Nobody's ever in favor of anything and it's always just a shouting match.

Why do ppl in a verbal argument insist on closing with an emphatic “GOODBYE”? How bout an understated but effective “badbye”?

Note: If you've attended a cockfight and there were no chickens there, you're now (officially) gay.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole ‘reading' thing.

Why is the logo for handicap parking someone in a wheelchair? If you're in a wheelchair, you can't drive.

Wait, is Ben Affleck gay? It's just that I can't figure out why I keep dreaming of us making out…

I bet secretly the Three Tenors had a serious craving for some bass.

How to know you're a failure: when your dog outlives you. I'm lookin' at you, Bradley Nowell's corpse.

Finally came up with a word for when someone jews the price up on you at a store: hellacost.

Have you ever pooped, flushed the toilet, then realized you had to poop again? I think that should be called a #4.

What do you call it when two robots make love? Automating. Three robots? Menage a HUH?

Actor Carradine was in BangKOK filming “Stretch”; was found dead with a rope tied around his neck and genitals. I don't know where to begin.

You know what confuses me more than anything? When I hear fire truck sirens in the rain. Isn't that like a day off for firemen?

Who came first: the chicken or the egg? I don't know, I guess whoever hasn't masturbated for longer, who prematurely ejaculates, etc.

Remember, quilters never win and winners never quilt. Unless it's some sort of cheating cover-up.

#1 thing that sucks about being paralyzed: No kegstands. Ever.

I want to go up to a Wendy's counter, hold up a training bra and say, “Is this Wendy's? IS THIS FUCKING WENDY'S?? WHERE DID YOU GET THIS??”

Cow-tipping is expected if you feel you've received good service. For parties of 6 or more, 18% of cows will automatically be tipped.

Top 5 Beatles Ever: 1) John Lennon 2) George Harrison 3) ??? 4) Ringo Starr 5) Paul McCartney

If you already masturbate really well, can you go back to school to get your doctorbate?

Why do so many rappers carry guns in their waists? Because penises are big on the black market.

I can't wait til 2033 rolls around and Svedka ISN'T rated #1 vodka of the year.

The worst thing about sitting in an exit row seat on a plane is having to start off your passenger/flight attendant relationship with a lie.

Why do people say “God rest his soul”? When I die, I want my soul to keep on partying, not sleep every day away. My soul has shit to do.

Today is National PIN # Day! You must direct msg the PIN # for your ATM card to the first person who reminds you it's National PIN # Day!

No masturbation without representation! Demand at least one member in your state House of Representatives!

Just came up with an alternative energy solution: wind-powered planes. Seems like a natural fit to me.

Got halfway thru a book the other day before realizing it was just the inside cover of a DVD box. Movie was way better than the book.

People's first Twitter comments always sound like a 3rd grader about to have sex. “Uh don't really kno wat this is, trying it anyway..”

Biggest test of my life today: AIDS.

If nothing comes from nothing, no wonder something always goes wrong.

If you hear voices in your head, but they speak fluent Spanish and you don't, are you crazy or smart?

Real men don't go to salons, they go to grooming lounges and drink virgin martinis while getting business manicures.

It's finals week, don't forget to stock up on Vaseline!

I don't need my bag of potato chips to tell me I'm ‘Baked!'

Never trust anyone who plays the lottery hoping to win but stands outside in a thunderstorm expecting not to get struck by lightning.

If you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, don't call your doctor. Future visits will just be awkward.

Ideas for new Nike shoes: Nike Air Plains, Nike Air Looms, Nike Air Mattress, Nike Air On the Side of Caution, Nike Errors, Nike Areolas

Have u ever become friends with someone because they remind you of another friend, then realized the new friend is cooler than the old one?

One time I dated a chick who got super loud every time she was about to get her exclamation point. Bloody right, I was always on the mark.

I think businesses should advertise free porn instead of free wi-fi. Same difference.

If you're going to try and sleep your way to the top, make sure the sex is consentual.

If God double-crosses Jesus, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss.

Support prostate health: don't get f'ed in the a by dudes all the time.

Sometimes I think about killing myself to get attention, sympathy and pity; then I realize I won't be alive to receive any of those things.

I want to commit suicide, but I'm scared of commitment.

Don't shit where you eat, unless you're filming the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Boot and rally against abortion: for women who want to throw up everything except the baby after drunk sex.

4/20 is just another holiday invented by Hallmark to sell more greeting cards.

My girlfriend is on birth control, but she makes me wear a condom. It's like wearing a helmet while riding an exercise bike.

420 years ago today, Funyuns were invented. Congratulations, Frito-Lay, here's to another 420 years of vague memories!

4/20 is great and all, but why are there no holidays devoted to shooting up heroin yet? LEGALIZE IT

I have a sneaking suspicion that a threesome still counts as cheating even if I spray the hookers down with my girlfriend's perfume.

If anyone ever insults you with, “You're not a multi-tasker are you?” just say, “I can look at you and see that you're a fag.”

The best part of getting laid off is getting laid.

A fraternity friend of mine just had fraternal twins, 1 girl & 1 boy. Which is perfect cuz he'll be a legacy and she'll be a sorority slut.

You know how I know all priests are gay? Because they're all cross-dressers.

Make sure to wear eyecondoms when you eyefuck someone, AKA contacts.

Just found Jesus's unborn baby dead inside an Easter egg. I know, I know, bad yolk.

Cash 4 Weed! Place your unwanted marijuana in our secured envelope, mail it, and we'll send you less than street value! Skip the middle man!

People say that nobody's ever overdosed on marijuana, but haven't you heard the phrase “he was stoned to death”??

Throw away your Lunesta, Ambien, and Tylenol PM. You won't need it anymore, baseball season is starting again.

Please pardon my likelihood to be a pussy, my alpha dog is still in beta.

Do gravity bongs work in outer space?

Advanced Stalking Facebook tip: Use the L and R arrow buttons to scroll thru photo albums without clicking.

From the makers of Bowflex Home Fitness comes the first male-only social networking site, Live, Laugh, Flex!

If a new electronics retailer called “Better Buy” opened up next to “Best Buy,” which one would you go to first?

My favorite kind of movies are whore flicks.

April 2nd is like the least funny day of the year. Any joke you make will automatically be referred to yesterday.

Improved curriculum for next generation Americans: “The more you know, the less knowledge there is to go around. Who's gonna win?!!”

Sarah Palin says she has foreign policy experience b/c she can see Russia from her house. I can see stars from my house, so I'm an astronaut.

If I was a cannibal, I would give new meaning to the term ‘ankle socks.'

Dear Rihanna, We appreciate the thought, but tattoos can't shoot down Chris Brown, et al. Sincerely, The NRA

For Halloween this year I want to go as a gay vampire so I can walk around saying, “I waaant to suck your diiiick.” Once a year = no homo.

Is there anything more awkward than getting a footjob…when the girl has her shoes on?

You know why Obama has yet to make a mistake? Because he sees everything in black and white.

Why is it that in group photos, girls always bend at the knees a little bit and lean in? Is that supposed to subtract pounds or something?

You lost me at “hello.” Who are you & have we hooked up before? I smell cum on your breath. Has my penis opened up to you already? Down boy.

I hate that cemeteries have so many speed bumps. And why do they name them?

I'm thinking about writing a tv movie called Thanks For Coming: The Ron Jeremy Story.

12 hours in a night. 12 beers in a case. 12 condoms in a pack. Coincidence?

What are you, a pothead pornstar with an IQ of 85?

Sometimes the University of Phoenix makes me question whether Phoenix, AZ is a real city or just a busy chatroom.

The next time someone calls you a loser, tell them no, you're a finder, goddamnit, and pull a dull penny out of your pocket to prove it.

Jesus turned water into wine, but it was just 0020 AD wine. Who drinks wine that only 2 years old?! Nobody, Jesus. Nobody.

Why do we have to “take a stand against breast cancer”? Does it sense when we let up and then attack harder? Or is it easily intimidated?

Why aren't there any birds that operate like helicopters? Consider this your next challenge, God.

Breaking News: Bristol Palin thinks getting pregnant with the same sperm twice gives you AIDS. TAKE NO CHANCES.

If the shampoo industry ever wants to promote themselves like milk did, I've already got their tagline. “Shampoo: It's all in your head.”

I called to cancel a doctor apptmt the other day. The lady asked my reason for cancelling and I told her I was sick. She totally bought it!

I eyefuck everyone I see, so everytime I go out in public I'm basically having a huge eyeorgy.

Just realized: getting a handjob from g/f: disappointing. Getting a handjob at a massage parlor: SCORE.

I just sent a message to a friend through Friendster. It came back “UNDELIVERABLE: What have you been doing for 5 years? Wanna hang out?”

Talking in big fancy science terms doesnt change the fact that u are standing on a ladder in the middle of a large public mall with a boner.

A midget's ultimate revenge: “Finally, things are looking up.”

If you are what you eat, am I a pussy?

Virginity is the only thing in the world people try to lose.

Vote Ron Paul For President 2009!

Made with all natural ingredients! = “Okay, so who here has grown xanthan gum before? Oh come on, NOBODY?? ..THANK YOU, Jim. All done here.”

I took an astronomy class once 'cause I thought you could get high and no one would notice. Turns out Saturn's rings aren't made of Funyuns.

Today we honor Russ Smitson, the world-record holder for “Shortest Javelin Throw.”

Nicole Richie looks like she ate a rat, never digested it fully, then vomited it up and let it fan out across her face. Who does that?

Hey, ladies, who wants to suck on my raw-man noodle?! …No, I mean, like ramen… NO, it's not limp… YES, it's sort of wet but.. UGH, NM.

Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.

“I'm sorry sir, but there's no room left for error. Unless you want the double queen with urinal only. It does still flush though…”

How to turn down a guy without hurting his feelings: Say “sorry, I don't date guys with huge dicks.”

“Oh man, I'm loving this long long time!!” -Book publisher, after reading a children's story for Asian girls with an ambiguous happy ending.

With the current economy, can rappers still afford to pour our the first drink of every 40 onto the ground in memory of their dead homies?

Homocider: A fruity drink served by a bartender that makes you gay as soon as you take a sip, and kills you by the time you finish it.

OK response when u see a midget is not “oh my god, look – a hideously deformed freak of nature” even though yeah, they ARE freaks of nature.

Best pickup line ever: “If you thought this cab ride was fun, wait 'til we go back to my bed… they don't call it an F-150 for nothing.”

Bad idea for a movie: Pandas on A Plane (the pandas are friendly pandas, not evil ones).

Spying on strangers while they shower: so fun it should be a crime!

When you finally come to terms with having Mad Cow Disease, is it just Cow Disease?

Romance tip: Try sprinkling syrup, mustard, or other ‘condom-mints' on your penis to make fellatio more enjoyable for your partner.

Urinal Etiquette – Never stare at the guy peeing next to you's penis for more than 15 seconds.

When asian people squint, do their eyes close?

Automatic Oscar disqualifier: Someone was snoring so loud the whole theater could hear it during Slumdog Millionaire. (true story)

RELIGION: Bad things to give up for Lent – Jesus, going to church, praying, not sinning.

Police to cannibal: Who are you wearing?

Luckily, Pres Obama hasnt written 1 bill ordering america to drop it like its hot, make it rain on them hoes, or pop it lock it and drop it.

“Schwarzenegger to sign budget containing tax increase, cuts”. Also in the news, “Headline to say everything, nothing, all at once”.

THIS JUST IN: Major airline companies now offer to refund the price of your ticket if the plane you're on crashes into a home.

I drank a whiskey once that was scared it wasn't 40-proof. I said, “Hey whiskey, relax. You're stronger and faster than any malt liquor.”

Best potential invention ever: invisible condoms. “Yeah, babe,I'm wearing a condom…one of those new invisible ones. Two of them actually.”

CELEB NEWS: Angelina Jolie adopts baby doll (made in China). Does it count (as ‘dirty' and ‘foreign' enough)?

The world might be a better place if we all just lent a helping handjob.

What happens if you get a really ugly cat, and then 2 months later you get a girlfriend with the same name? Who has to change their name?

If the economy gets any worse, pretty soon AMERICANS will be sneaking into Mexico illegally for the chance at a better life.

Oh, hi, excuse me, just wanted to let you know your baby is sticking out. You might want to tuck that in, it's making your stomach look fat.

Paris Hilton turns 28 today. Paris, baby, you don't look a day over GOD DAMNIT HAVE SEX WITH ME ALREADY WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!

If you name your kid Billy Bob, Cletus, or Bubba, they're automatically racist (even as a baby).

Cuba is set to open its first state-run hair salon: Fidel Sassoon. Nobody leaves without a beard. SIT DOWN, I SAID NOBODY!!!

So, is that Obama guy still in office or what? Now that all the excitement's died down, I'm about ready for a new president, how bout ya'll?

Bob Barker recently quit hosting The Price Is Right to focus on his “Dying” career.

Can we just make it dinner and a movie this time, not dinner and a movie and anal sex? I swear, you're just like every other girl I meet.

I'd touch Fugly Slut with a 10-foot pole, but only if it had 3 condoms on.

All your girlfriend wants for Valentine's Day is for you to stop introducing her to your friends and family as “some cunt I know.”

BREAKING NEWS from NY: 9/11 pt 2 is here. Cept this time terrorists disguised themselves as white pilots. Sequel is never as good as the 1st.

What's better than twins? Octuplets! My goal: bang them when they turn 18.

Best ninesome ever. Wait…some of them are dudes?!?

A lot of mattresses these days come with pillow-tops. Or as I like to call them, extra-10-minutes-late-to-work-tops.

You think any gay dudes in the military have ever seduced an enemy soldier with “Make love, not war?”

Just because the U.S. Mint redesigned the penny, doesn't mean I'm going to stop throwing them in the garbage. Just being honest, Abe.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see a naked woman staring back. Then I realize its not a mirror, I'm hiding in a Walmart dressing room.

63% of Americans reject Darwin's Theory of Evolution. The other 74% can't figure out where the extra 37% came from.

If you haven't made reservations for Valentine's Day yet, don't forget to break up with your girlfriend!

Is there a such thing as a homeless man who has a job, he's just too lazy to find a house? We all get overworked/homeless sometimes, right?

This just in in sports: Can Brett Favre retire without crying?

“How do I copy and paste?” -Your mom trying to use a computer, in her whiny voice.

How surprising can it be that the motocross guy who invented the “double-grab Hart Attack backflip” finally died of it??

Weekend note to self: Start peeing on the church WALLS, not the door handles (so rude).

Whenever I see “read pp. 247 – 252” on an assignment, my internal voice always reads it with a stutter: “read puh-pages 247 to 252.”

“Never forget where you came from: your moms vagina. (or rather, the inside of your dads penis)” -Paul Frank

If a woman acts like she's PMSing, you should say, “Are you on your question mark?” Because it's the period that's still in question.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.