Occasionally I find myself staying in a hotel on vacation, attending weddings/funerals or going to a conference of some kind. Actually, staying in a hotel is a lot like a little mini-vacation, regardless of the reason you're there, because you don't have to clean a damn thing and it magically returns to its pristine state later when you return from your daily activities. I swear that is some Harry Potter shit, because I have no idea how it happens. I guess it's just one of life's little mysteries, kind of like why there are so many people roaming the hotel corridors with carts.

Anyway, hotels always make me want to do certain activities that I usually don't do, or in some cases, do certain activities even MORE than I already do. Here is a list of some of those activities.

10. Sleep

Sleeping bed sign
Hotel sleeping is about as comfortable as this looks.
Although completely boring to do while on vacation, hotels always make me want to sleep more than I usually do. Maybe it's the incredible light-blocking curtains. Maybe it's the fact that I do ten times more activity during the day than I usually would, thus I'm totally exhausted. Or maybe it's just the fact that I have never stayed in a hotel with a really comfortable bed and I just need to sleep more in order to reach the same level of rest that I would normally get at home.

What is that about anyway? At home, I usually only sleep for about 6 hours or less each night and feel completely fine the next day. In a hotel room, though, I seem to need at least 8 hours (or more) or I'm totally dragging the next morning. Personally, I think it's just the foreign bed that never seems to be exactly the way you're used to. That would explain the most AMAZING night of sleep that you always get when you return to your own bed.

Whatever the case, hotels make me want to sleep more than I do at home which kind of sucks since you miss out on that vacation time…and usually the free continental breakfast. (Seriously though, my bed at home is fucking awesome and not just because of the magic that happens in it).

9. Surf Porn Titles

Sarah Palin porn title on TV

Nobody ever believes me when I tell them this, but honestly I don't understand porn. To me watching porn is tantamount to watching someone else travel or play sports. Why the hell would I want to watch other people doing what I could just be doing myself at that same moment? My brain just screams at me, "WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND JUST GO DO THIS YOURSELF?!" A lot of people even watch porn together, which blows my mind completely. If both parties want to watch porn together, then both parties clearly want to be having sex at that very moment. All you're doing is wasting your time watching something you could both be doing together. It isn't rocket science people, no one watches those things for the story or the amazing acting, they watch it because they're completely bored and totally horny. You do the math here, just go have sex instead!

Obviously, I've never ordered any porn in a hotel room, since I don't watch it at home, but I do surf the titles for a laugh while I'm checking out the amenities screen on the television. Surfing those titles, while giggling and then picturing the front desk trying to keep a straight face when someone checks out and pays a bill with "Who's Nailin' Paylin" on it, is the closest I ever get to fantasizing over porn.

8. Read the Paper

Guy in just newspaper outside his hotel room door
Just don't forget your room key.
Honestly, I never read the newspaper. I've never actually gotten what this morning ritual is all about, especially when you have the internet. Why on earth would I spend money to have something delivered to me, that creates an insanely large amount of trash, when I can get it for free online? However, in most hotels, the house elves deliver a free paper to you each morning and my carbon footprint guilt immediately sets in. I don't like to be wasteful, so I feel bad just throwing the thing away, especially when there is usually no avenue to recycle it. Seriously, can I get a hotel room with a recycling bin in it someday please? Is that too much to ask?

So sometimes I sit and read the morning paper while I wait for that shitty free coffee to brew, but only if the hotel doesn't have free Wi-Fi, which thankfully they do lately. Oh and for the record, I have never had to wash news print off my fingers after surfing websites to find out what is going on in the world. Can we all just agree to do away with newspapers for good and usher everyone into the 21st century?

7. Go to the Gym

Guy and girl talking at the gym
Man: "Do you come here often?"
Woman: "No genius, it's a hotel gym, now piss off."

I don't belong to a gym, mostly because I've found that it's far less expensive to just purchase all the equipment yourself than actually pay gym membership dues. Most people who go to the gym don't do more than one or two of the activities anyway, so why not just purchase those pieces of equipment for your place and save yourself some time and money? Just buy a Bowflex or Stairmaster and pay it off monthly if you lack the cash. Or better yet, just save your money and buy it outright, because buying things on credit is never a good idea, unless of course you have the money to immediately pay off the bill and you're using a cash back card in order to collect the bonus money. Sure you have to cart the equipment around if you move, but with the money you save on gym memberships, you could just pay a moving company and not have to deal with it. You'll never do that though, because be honest, you all just go to the gym to stare at other people anyway, you bunch of degenerates.

Anyway, most hotels have gyms in them and since I don't have all my usual equipment, I find myself going to the actual gym way more than I ever would normally. I'll admit it though, when at hotel gyms, I'm really just staring at all the other people in there.

6. Fuck with People… More

Guy acting stupid in a fountain behind a wedding picture
At least I know I am not the only one who fucks with people.
Anyone who knows me or has read this column knows that one of my favorite pastimes is to mess with people for my own personal amusement. Now while I certainly do this regardless of where I am, I definitely seem to amp up the frequency when staying away from home. At home there is always the chance that I will see my victims again later; this has happened to me on many occasions actually.  For instance, just the other day some guy came up to me in Bread Time Bread (fuck you, I'm not calling it Panera Bread) and told me that he had stopped using cinnamon ever since that day he was shaking the cinnamon container wildly into his coffee at the AMP'D Station, and I started screaming, "MY EYE! JESUS CHRIST! MY EYE! IT BURNS!" after which I promptly left, holding my hand over my eye.

Yeah, sometimes this ridiculous stuff comes back to haunt me, but when I'm away from home and on vacation, it's like I'm a kid in a candy store. Nobody is safe from my antics, most of all the other guests in the hotel. Especially the woman at the free breakfast buffet who told me I was really cute, who I then proceeded to make SO nervous that she dropped the giant metal serving spoon four times noisily while I shouted, "SERIOUSLY, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! YOU'RE MAKING A SCENE AND EMBARRASSING ME!" I then left to the sound of her laughing hysterically and the loud clang of the giant metal spoon hitting the floor for a fifth time.

Continue to Part Two »

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