>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
December 28, 2003

Let all acquaintance be forgot…


This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am not perfect. I'll give you a second to take that in.

And breathe.

Ok, now, like all great holidays, New Year's is a time for us to sit around and dwell on our problems. Well, I too have problems–legal, emotional, psychological and alcohol-related, so I've come up with a list of resolutions, nay, promises to make my 2004 that much more marginally palatable. (For the record, cutting down on run-on sentences with extensive commas is not one of my promises.)

And away we go.

*Sit around and drink beer. (Baby steps, people)

*Actually watch an NBA game, from beginning to end, and not change channels during the interminable timeout spree known as the last two minutes.

*Listen to a Clay Aiken song while not perched on a ledge with a sniper rifle.

*Not get carpal tunnel again from constantly clicking REFRESH on ESPN.COM waiting for AROD-to-Red Sox updates.

*Spend less than 47 minutes in the shower.

*Watch the entire film “Unfaithful”, not just for the AMAZING Diane Lane nude scenes.

*Lay off the Oreos with Chocolate and Peanut Butter frosting (the veritable crack cocaine of the cookie aisle)

*Stop crying during “Boy Meets World.”

*Propose to Hilary Duff and move to Vermont where that sort of thing is not only tolerated, but hugely supported.

*Try to cut back on masturbating, er…uh, I mean reading the Bible. Wow, what a strange typo.

*Try to get my class attendance percentage above Jose Offerman's Red Sox batting average (only five people got that joke).

*Pitch my new reality series to the Bravo/NBC people: “Hate Crime for the Queer Guy” (No, I'm not homophobic, so stop writing.)

*Ritualistically slaughter anyone who watches American Idol 3.

*Stop molesting my dog (she's just so damn fetching, please don't arrest me.)

*Visit the Neverland Ranch, sounds like a nice place to bring the kiddies.

*Try to determine which trilogy was better, Mighty Ducks or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (And yes, both were better than Lord of the Rings. One ring to rule them all, my ass.)

*Buy Martha Stewart's new book: “How to Toss a Prison Salad.”

*Continue to write my senator as to why “Rookie of the Year” hasn't gotten an Ultimate Edition DVD release yet.

*Bring a pair of nunchucks to the Dirty Dancing 2 premiere.

*I think I'll go for a bike ride.

*DO something about my ADHD.

*Go to a musical.

*Have my nads chopped off. (I can get this and the above done in the same day.)

*Finally give the ladies what they want. (SO, where on this restraining order do I sign?)

*Start writing better columns. (What can I say, some promises you just can't keep.)