>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
February 22, 2004

Peevin' Over Pinstripes, Part One

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Yankee fans are complete imbeciles. A few weeks ago, I congratulated a Yankee fan friend of mine on the acquisition of Gary Sheffield. His reply: “We got Sheffield? Wow, I'm surprised the Giants let him go.”

Let's face it. Yankee fans are the stupidest breed of sports fans on the planet. It's got to be a New York thing. Look at the way diehards follow the Jets, Rangers, Mets, and Knickerbockers. Besides the fact that all of those teams suck, they try to build them up as God's gift to the sports world. Remember when Jets fans argued that Chad Pennington was the next Joe Montana? Or that signing Roger Cedeno would bring the World Series back to Shea? Or that the Rangers were gonna roll off five straight Stanley Cups?

What a bunch of douchebags. Yankee fans are even worse, because everything to them comes down to World Series wins. Typical dialogue between me and a Yankee fan. (Editor's Note: I corrected some of the spelling and grammar as most Yankee fans are unintelligible cretins.)

Me: I don't know about the Yankees this year.
Yankee fan: 26 titles.
Me: Yeah, I know, but their team is shaky.
Yankee fan: 26. We still got Pettite.
Me: No you don't, he went to Houston. They have no defense.
Yankee fan: We still got Soriano.
Me: No, he's gone now. And he sucked at defense.
Yankee fan: Yeah, well 26 titles.
Me: I realize that, but this team is different.
Yankee fan: We still have Paul O'Neill.

Now, many of you I gather have a good idea why I wrote this article. The little AROD deal has become a big topic in the world of sports. Now all of a sudden everyone and their mother is saying there's no way the Yankees aren't going to win it all. That's where I come in. Here's 10 reasons the Yankees will not win it all this year.

1. AROD DEAL = STUPID. What a dumb fucking move for the Yankees. Give up a solid five tool player in Soriano to the Rangers in exchange for AROD, you know, to cover third base. (By the way, AROD is a shortstop, and has played third base exactly once in his career.) Fine, but who plays second now? Miguel Cairo? Enrique Wilson? A lot of you non-sports fans are wondering who these guys are, and I'm wondering, too. Now, everyone's saying that the Yankees stuck it to the Red Sox. Fine, except it's not like the Red Sox are stuck with Clay Aiken and Ryan Seacrest in their lineup. We still got Nomar and Manny, two of the best hitters in the game. When the AROD deal fell through, most people in Boston didn't much care. Nomar always has a special place in our hearts. So Steinbrenner picked up AROD to spite the Red Sox, in return giving up a player who puts up similar numbers, and adding a player who expects to be the number one guy, has never dealt with the media spotlight of a major sports area, and will develop a rivalry with Derek “I Love When You Come in My Mouth” Jeter. Well played, Big Stein.

2. The Red Sox are the better team. That's right, and it was true last year, too. “Yeah, but Justin, the Red Sox lost to the Yankees!” You don't say? When did that happen? Let's face it, the only reason the Sox lost that game and series is because of Grady Little. No question. The guy can't coach. Want proof? When he was fired, did any other team even look at him? Now he's a janitor in Wrigley or something. The Red Sox have a better pitching staff, better hitting (even if the Yanks have AROD) and owners who don't shit themselves if a guy goes 1 for 4 on a given night.

3. Every team in the AL East is good now. Toronto got a lot better. Baltimore put a nice team together. Even the lowly Devil Rays, a team that could lose a 7 game series to the Special Olympics JV squad, has improved.

4. Torre's gone real soon. Let me give you an idea of the life of Joe Torre. Imagine you get a girlfriend. And the girlfriend is real nasty. I mean Kelly Osbourne butt ugly. So you take her to a hair salon and beauty parlor, and you doll her up, so she looks presentable. You date her for five years, she loses 40 pounds of ass, grows into double D's and basically gets mistaken for Heidi Klum. Now, you're married, she's still beautiful, but her crazy rich father keeps insisting she be even more beautiful because she's only come in second in the Miss USA pageant the last three year. Even worse, the girl's worst enemy is suddenly a lot hotter, too. They say she's cursed but how long can a curse really last? So now, if your girl isn't the absolute hottest….ummm…..I lost my train of thought. Do you catch my drift? No? Let's just move on.

5. Yankees Suck.
6. Jeter Swallows.
7. Sheffield is old.
8. Kevin Brown is almost dead.
9. Yankees Suck.
10. Giambi couldn't field a beach ball.

So there ya go. Fear not, Red Sox Nation. This. Is. The. Year.

***I've gotten a lot of responses from people telling me how to write my columns. “Fewer sports columns!” “Less Gay Jokes!” “Easy on the Masturbation/Oral Sex/Anal Sex/ Animal Necrophilia Humor!” “Learn how to write a fucking logical thought!” Listen, people. I'm not changing. And by the way, keep leaving feedback telling me I have no life. You know, right after you spend twenty minutes reading it, trying to summarize a logical response and leaving an idiotic, grammatically tragic reply at 2:12 a.m. on a Saturday night. “U gots noo life, bitche!”