>>> Up Shit Creek
By staff writer Michael Curtiss
August 1, 2007

I usually try to be as apathetic as possible when it comes to politics. This is a pretty un-admirable trait, but whenever I attempt to wrap my mind around the clusterfuck that is American politics, I usually just say the hell with it and slam some beers.

But this week, for all of you lucky readers, I’m going to write out a hypothetical campaign speech that I would use if I ever ran for President, complete with crowd reactions. After you read this, I guarantee that you will rally behind Curtiss in ’08!

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I would like to announce that I am running in the 2008 Presidential election! Thank you, thank you, I love all of you, too.

“If elected, I will change the national anthem to “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC.”

Now, let me begin my stating my stance on abortion. I think that we need to make abortion legal. (Crowd gasps) Wait! Hold your horses; I’m not finished with that topic. (Crowd sighs) I propose that we make the actual abortion process itself so horrific that nobody will want to have one. For instance, if a woman wishes to abort, 15 midgets with little hammers hit her stomach until that baby is no more! (Crowd cheers)

The next issue I address will be on the “war” in Iraq. I realize that this is a very touchy and sensitive topic, but I am feeling up for the job! I believe that instead of shooting bullets at the enemy, we should adapt the guns to fire bubblegum and gumdrops. Right into their mouths!! (Crowd cheers and high fives) Those hairy little people just need some candy in their stomachs to lighten up. They may need massive socio-political reform too, but OH WELL.

Now I would like to talk about gay marriage! Most Americans don’t even know what gay sex is. I always use the same analogy when explaining this to my kids. Imagine, if you will, an Oscar Meyer hotdog placed gently inside of a hotdog bun, smothered in mustard and ketchup. Gay people having sex is just like that, except instead of the hotdog, they use a big veiny penis. And instead of the bun, they use a set of large hairy buttocks. And of course, the mustard represents a mixture of urine and feces, and the ketchup is just a little anal bleeding! So that’s all it is! Gay marriage is just like a hotdog. What is more American than hotdogs I ask? Absolutely nothing. (Crowd cheers, panties fly on stage)

If I am elected as president, I will effectively change the national anthem to “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC. You have my personal guarantee that NOBODY will fuck with us if that song comes on when we walk in the room. (Crowd screams in delight) I will bust into UN meetings doing the Angus Young strut playing an invisible guitar, and everybody will shit their pants. Then the Chinese Prime Minister will make his entrance to something like “Chopsticks” on piano and everybody will laugh. It’s like, GO DO SOME MATH ALREADY, JESUS! (Crowd claps lightly)

My next order of business would be to prove that the Holocaust was actually a gigantic hoax perpetrated by the Jewish Elite to gain the sympathy and trust of the world. HA, I had you guys going! I’m just kidding, the Holocaust really did happen. Now excuse me while I ride away on my flying unicorn and go plant a dollar in my backyard so a money tree will grow! (Crowd shrugs)

Now, I understand that some of you are upset about all of the taxes you have to pay, and believe me, I completely understand. A considerable amount of these taxes are spent on prisons. It’s like, why do these criminals live off of our dollar?! (Crowd cheers) I think that we should just free all of the criminals into society. No prisons, no taxes. (Crowd boos) Oh come on you pussies, haven’t you ever heard of survival of the fittest? Stop whining. (Crowd starts throwing rotten fruit on stage) What’s wrong with you people?! Hey, why are you black guys mad, I just told you I was going to let your relatives free! (Crowd brings out pitchforks and sets fire to stage)

In conclusion, I think that I am the right fit for the President of the United States. (Crowd strings up noose over the rafters) I am steadfast in my course, and I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind. Like, the fact that white people are awesome. (Crowd surrounds me on stage.) And they are way better than other races. (Noose is put around my neck) Thank you all for your time, and I hope that you decide to vote for Curtiss is 2008! (Crowd cheers)”

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