>>> Up Shit Creek
By staff writer Michael Curtiss
May 16, 2007

Sorry, I just really don’t want to make out with you anymore. I mean, you’re a nice girl and all, but things just don’t feel right. No, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s me. Well, there might be a few things wrong with you. You want to hear what they are huh? No, I couldn’t do that. Fine, you win.

Uh, you sorta have a mustache. I’ve tried to ignore it in the past, but every time we get close, it feels like I’m kissing the end of a broom. Seriously, you look like the entire male cast in the movie Tombstone. Plus, your mustache is more impressive than mine, and that sort of makes me self-conscious. All you need to do is shave it once in a while. Better yet, hourly. Then after you shave it, wax that puppy. Once that’s done, have a plastic surgeon remove the hair with lasers.

Your breath stinks. When you talk to me, I can’t even concentrate because the stench is so awful. I mean, you really are a sweet, sweet girl but your breath makes me want to cut my nose off and put it up my butt. Because it smells better in there. Whenever I make food for you, I slip in gum and mints. Remember that time I made you GUMbo? I used real gum. And it didn’t work because your breath still stinks.

“You should probably get some implants. I need something to distract me from your ugliness.”

Your braces cut my lips open. I feel like my tongue is a prisoner running through barbed wire to escape. When I take it out of your mouth, it’s all bloody, like I ate you out on your period or something. When you smile, I don’t know if I should be happy to see you or run for my life. Remember Jaws from the 007 movies? That’s you, except worse. Like I’ve been saying, you’re an awesome chick, but awesome in a “gross braces” sort of way.

Your cold sores are turning into a bit of a problem. When I first saw them, I was like, “Sweet, this girl has herpes which means she is a total slut.” Turns out that wasn’t true at all, they’re just regular “non-slutty” cold sores. That is such a turn-off. Also, the reason I didn’t mention them before is because your mustache was covering them up, but since you’re getting rid of that, you need to take care of the sores too. Thanks.

Your tits are sorta small, you should probably get some implants. I know this may seem like it doesn’t matter when it comes to making out, but it does. I need something to distract me from how ugly you are. I’ve tried it with you before, but it feels like you are 13 or something. And that’s kinda weird. Also, lose the pigtails and Hello Kitty shirt, they aren’t helping either.

Your nose is huge, and it gets in the way a lot. Are you Jewish or something? No, that has nothing to do with how big your nose is, I was just wondering what you’re doing for Hanukah. Anyway, yeah you probably need to get plastic surgery to take care of that thing. The only thing your nose has been good for thus far is that it acts as a roof when it’s raining outside. Other than that, I don’t really like it. Your boogers are the size of watermelons and saltier than the ocean. But hey, we can get through this!

I might be acting a little picky, but your tongue is way too skinny. When I kiss you, I feel like I’m making out with a snake. Or a lizard. Any sort of reptile really. The point is, you need to fix this. Maybe sting yourself on the tongue with a bee so it swells up? Tongue implant? I don’t care how you do it as long it works. You know I love you baby, but you’re going to have to give a little to make this thing work.

Sweetie, don’t cry! I was just kidding, you don’t need to change a thing about you! Your mustache makes your look sophisticated, like a Frenchman. And your breath, well, it makes you smell unique. Like a Frenchman. Your braces and small tits make you look so innocent, and I enjoy that! I think your cold sores show that you are healthy—it’s just your immune system working properly, right? Your big nose just shows that you can enjoy smelling things more than I can, and your tongue enables you to probe small areas like my butthole. You’re unique baby, and that’s why I love you!

Uh… I don’t think we should makeout right now, I just ate. Do you want any gum?

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