>>> Up Shit Creek
By staff writer Michael Curtiss
February 7, 2007

I’ve been in a few fights in my day. Yes, I usually start them, and yes, I usually get beat up. By “starting” fights, I don’t mean that I physically attack other people; I usually say or do things that make people want to hit me in the face. Or kick me in the ribs.

As Nate can attest, both times he has met me, someone has attacked me in a living room. The first time, I poured beer in our fearless editor Court’s ear, and he put me in a choke hold. The second time, I busted in on my roommate’s naked girlfriend puking on the bathroom floor to take a picture (I didn’t know she was naked) and he tried to beat me up.

People fight for many reasons, but I usually get into scuffles for just acting like a jackass in general. What really makes me upset is when douchebags fight just to fight. The sort of guys that go out looking for trouble because their fucking tribal armband tattoo says so.

“All Liquored Up fighters can appear anywhere, and are extremely dangerous.”

I’d like to analyze the reasons why guys like this feel the need to prove themselves. And believe me, the reasons are fucking right. I get my assed kicked enough to know by now.

Tiny Penis Defender

This specific fighter can be extremely dangerous and unpreDICKtable (snicker). He possesses a very small, unrecognizable set of genitals that could be mistaken for a mole, or set of moles. Because of this, he lashes out at anyone who may have a bigger penis than him—which is, most likely, everyone. He can be spotted trying to fight black guys for obvious reasons and at porn stores purchasing some “natural male enhancement” pills. When dealing with this breed, be sure to tuck your penis and balls between your legs to demonstrate that you have a tiny penis too.

By the way, these guys always fight me because my penis is the size of a billy club.

Closet Homosexual

There’s really no need to worry about these fighters. They can be provoked very easily in order to defend their masculinity, but they fight like… well… a homosexual. If you find yourself in a situation where a closet homosexual tries to fight you, DO NOT call him gay. This will only further enrage him. The best course of action is to start talking about how much you like boobs. To not look gay, he will most likely join right in and forget about fighting.

This type usually tries to fight me because they are actually attracted to me, and since I won’t date them, they try to beat me up so I get uglier. Because if they can’t have me, nobody should.

Doesn’t Get Laid

This is quite possibly the most dangerous and volatile type of fighter. Since he doesn’t get laid, he has a lot of built up testosterone which can cause him to go into a virgin-esque rage and punch anything in sight. If you are a friend of this fighter, first off, stop being a tool, and second, recommend that he start masturbating frequently to alleviate his tension. If this fighter approaches you to “throw down,” take the situation very seriously because he spends most of his time at the gym working out and not getting laid. Tell him that the cute blonde in the corner keeps eye-fucking the shit of him, and that he should go for it. If that doesn’t work, fall onto the ground in the fetal position and take the beating. Then go get some pussy.

All Liquored Up

This type of fighter is easy to identify, but difficult to define. You should be able to pick him out of a crowd by his drunken swagger and puffed out chest. Potentially, this could be anyone, even someone who doesn’t normally fight. But since this fighter is extremely intoxicated, a swift kick to the nuts should eliminate any risk of a drunken mess. If you’re positive he’s incapable of fighting though, best just to start running.

The real cause for concern is if this fighter also fits into one of the other categories. For all you know, he could be a closet homosexual virgin with a tiny penis. I refer to this fighter as The Nate Degraaf, and if you encounter him, you’re done for. (Just kidding buddy!) All Liquored Up fighters can appear anywhere, and are extremely dangerous.

Overprotective Boyfriend

This is one of the more non-threatening, but most annoying fighters on the list. This guy has a girlfriend that is much, much too hot for him, and he knows it. If anyone even so much as glances in her general direction, he becomes very defensive and tightens his leash. He keeps an eye on his girlfriend like it’s the last piece of pussy he will ever have, and he will definitely fight to keep it. If you find yourself about to scrap with the likes of him, grab the guy closest to you, and start deep tongue kissing him. Then look at the fighter and say that you were just admiring his girlfriend’s blouse. He’ll think you’re gay, but he won’t kick your ass. Now you just have to worry about the guy you just kissed.

Well there you have it, a small list of the fighters I have encountered in the past. I hope that this aids you in the future, and can provide you with fewer beatings. Now it’s time to go to a bar with my big, strong friends and talk shit until somebody takes a swing at me and gets beat up. All without me lifting a single finger.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.