>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 15, 2005

First of all, as if you needed more proof that PIC is going straight to hell, I wrote 500 words on my hatred of cats last week. Cats. And Court (the guy who runs the site) didn't even question it. Nothing. Not a single goddamned IM along the lines of “Umm, cats?”

Whatever. Sorry about the random lapses in quality. (You'd be emotionally twisted too if you got to watch Keith Foulke four times a week. Apparently Keith has every batter he faces on his fantasy team.) Besides the Sox embattled closer, it's been a rough spring for me. I've been battling a case of spring fever, I've got this weird cut on my nose that looks like a zit, some dipshit on eBay hijacked my Paypal account, and worst of all, there's no NHL, and thus, no NHL playoffs. I never realized how empty these months are without my precious Bruins being swept in the first round. Regardless, I've been a trooper, and have sought sports enjoyment in other mediums, and that's what led me to the NBA playoffs.

“Unlike the NBA, hockey players can actually breathe on each other without a technical foul. And if someone acts like a thug, they sit in a box for two minutes.”

So what do I think so far?

To quote Mark Twain: “The NBA sucks posthumous cock!” Ugh. I have never seen such an over-hyped league, and a genuine waste of time, money, and minorities. Why do people love the NBA? Seriously. Why? WHY? Why must an entertaining, exciting sport like hockey be fed to the wolves in favor of this greedy, ugly, boring, horribly uncharismatic league? WHY? WHY? Let me break it down, Dr. Jack style.

The Game. Now, I'm not a complete hater on basketball per se. I love college basketball, Olympics basketball, and nothing gets me going like seeing an old Celtics-Lakers game on ESPN Classic. But NBA basketball nowadays is atrocious. Believe me, I watched all seven games of the Celtics-Pacers series. They sucked. Neither team knew how to pass, or make a three (and this was a series featuring Reggie Miller). I started watching the Pistons and Spurs hoping better teams would lead to better basketball. Same thing. It was like watching pigs fight over who gets to have sex with a turtle.

The Players. How can anyone root for NBA players? There are three types of NBA players: thugs, Eurotrash, and Yao Ming. For every Tim Duncan or LeBron James, there's the Portland Trailblazers. Nobody's classy. Look at Kobe Bryant. The guy goes on trial for rape. His team blows the NBA finals with four fucking Hall of Famers on the roster. So what happens? He bitches and moans until Shaq (the most dominant player in the NBA) and Phil Jackson (an allegedly great coach) are gone, and he gets to play with Lamar Odom (who makes Snoop Dogg look like Nancy Reagan). The NHL may have enforcers, but the NBA has out and out thugs. Like Ron Artest…and Allen Iverson, an inexplicable Georgetown grad who once released a rap album with the following lyrics:

One luv to the ol' school niggaz
They in the jail tryin' to raise us
Even the ones that tried to blaze us
But couldn't even graze us
See dem bitch azz niggaz y'all killin' don't amaze us

Music has come a long way since Chuck Berry. Or for that matter, Hanson.

The Playoffs. It actually amazes me that Vegas still fields NBA bets. How do they not lose money? Was there any doubt ever in the first round that every good team would take care of business against a lousy team? The only “underdog” that won in the first round was the Pacers. And the Pacers were only one game worse in the standings than the Celtics. (And no, I don't count the Wizards beating the Bulls; that was a 4-5 matchup, and half the Bulls were dead in a gutter somewhere.) So why have the first few rounds? Why not just skip to the Conference finals and the four best teams? In the NHL playoffs, you can count on a bevy (yes, bevy) of upsets. Just look at the Mighty Ducks from three years ago, a 7-seed that made it to the Stanley Cup. Would that ever happen in the NBA? Of course not. The best team always wins, which sounds nice, but whittles away the Marlins, Villanovas, 2001 Patriots, and 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey teams. But hey, those weren't great stories. Go Spurs!

ESPN. I've had it with ESPN. In fact, I've reserved a special space in this column for this horrendous network. Something has to be done. Someone has to remind ESPN that their job is to cover sports. First things first though, a quick memo to ESPN: there are other sports besides the NBA. You know what kicked off a SportsCenter in January? A Raptors-Warriors game. Who gives a shit? And for that matter, please stop the incessant pimping of this league by hiring only anchors and reporters who love the NBA. If I hear Michael Wilbon tell me in November: “Watch the Baby Bulls tonight, it's going to be great!” and then hear him shit on the Red Sox-Yankees early-season clashes, I'm going to shoot myself.

And where do they get these anchors? Trey Wingo? John Berthiaume? The gay guy? Stuart Scott? Have you ever heard them going over a hockey or soccer or golf highlight? They sound like Mike Tyson trying to pronounce “mellifluous.” Have these guys ever even seen a hockey game? Shouldn't you have at least a serviceable knowledge of a sport if you're going to be paid to go on TV and talk about it? Dan Patrick, Kenny Mayne, Rich Eisen. They knew every sport they were talking about. Nowadays, when the idiot anchor says something like “Back to the NBA now…” it's like they just got acquitted of double homicide.

And furthermore, when you're talking about the NHL, do us a favor and save the smarmy jabs at hockey fans for your next Chad Ford orgy. The little shit comments like: “The move led hockey fans—wait, there are still hockey fans?—ummm, right.” I could really do without that. Remember, the only people still tuning in to a hockey story are undoubtedly hockey fans. Way to insult your target audience, Trey. Get a real first name, asstool.

More on ESPN. Spare us the original programming. Nobody is watching “Tilt” or “3” or “Hustle.” And if you must make half-assed, poorly-acted movies, please avoid shoving the giant advertising phallus up our asses. I decided in about ten seconds not to watch “Tilt” when I realized: “Wait, Michael Madsen is in it, and Quentin Tarantino's not involved? Hmmm, I think I'll watch ‘Scrubs.'” While we're at it, let's cut back on some other programming. Like “Around the Horn.” I admit, I watch the show. I also have Eiffel 65 on my Winamp playlist, so I guess I'm a sucker for punishment. You can't have a game show based on your ability to argue sports. You just can't. And surely there are other sportswriters you can find besides Jay Mariotti and Bill Plaschke. Nothing like getting a pair of ninnies who knows as much about sports as Sri Lanka knows about surviving a tsunami to headline your show.

But wait, there's more: like the racist, loud, arrogant, utterly idiotic Stephen A. Smith and the senile jackass Skip Bayless, who looks more Queer Eye than Straight Guy. Nice Botox, Skip, do you even remember why you started writing about sports? Terrell Owens would kick your skinny old ass you fucking diaphragm.

I've absolutely had it with ESPN, and their incessant, almost rapist-like affection for the NBA. This is the same network that had journalists on the air after the Artest brawl claiming the fans were to blame more than the players. These are the same people who kick off SportsCenter with a boring-ass Knicks game, then follow it up with 10 minutes of analysis, the Budweiser Hot Seat (quite possibly the worst idea in TV history next to having Monica and Chandler get together), and a set that looks like a scene out of “The Running Man.” And this is the same network that hasn't even been airing the World Hockey Championships, but can squeeze in several hours of pre-game for a Heat-Wizards matchup for which everyone knows how the fuck it's going to end.

Someone has to stop this. And there is a way. Hockey. Eventually, hockey will come back. And for those of you who have never gotten into it, give it a try. Just one game. I'm telling you, it's the first sport I fell in love with. Unlike the NBA, players can actually breathe on each other without a technical foul. Unlike the NBA, most of the players actually care (there are no Kwame Browns or Jason Williams). The sport is actually fun to watch, and if someone acts like a thug, they sit in a box for two minutes. Two players can settle a difference without one of them running into the crowd to beat up a fan. And best of all, nobody knows about the NHL, so you don't have to hear maggots like Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless feuding on cable television for thirty minutes over whether some kid in Cleveland will leave for New York in three years. Hey, assholes, for all we know we could be fighting World War 3 in three years. Drop the crystal ball, then stab yourselves with the sharded remains.

Oh yeah, one more problem I have with the NBA: way, way, way too many black people…. (Kidding, just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Oh great, here it comes.)

Editor's Note: All columns about pussy receive automatic quality-exemption status.

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