Hello, I'm NFL's Plaxico Burress.

You may think a guy like me is pretty secure. I'm coming off one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history with a fresh ring, I play well, and I have more money than I know what to do with.

But the truth is I'm just like you. I'm scared all the time, sometimes I hide in corners or makeshift cubbyholes until whatever I feel is threatening my safety goes away.

No matter how careful you are, there's one person you can't hide from: yourself.

You are the biggest threat to yourself.

Think about it. You're always there, even when you're sleeping. You know all of your secrets. You know your weaknesses. You are your own worst enemy.

That's why I'm starting a course in self defense: defense against the self.

If you take my course in self-defense, you will learn professional tricks of the trade like:

  • Always carry two guns with you. If you attack yourself with one, you will have another one to start attacking yourself back…aka protecting yourself.
  • Always wear a ski mask that conceals your identity. This is to try and trick yourself if you ever look in the mirror.
  • Never trust yourself with anything. If you get behind the wheel of a car, you will ultimately end up in a pole or driving off of a cliff to try and hurt yourself.
  • Always have at least one bodyguard with you. Say you ‘fall down' (your feet's way of attacking you). Don't you want someone there to start beating up your feet and ankles with a crowbar or baseball bat to prevent further injuries?

If you sign up for my course right now, I will send you extra secret tips and tricks. For example, the only way you can be completely safe from yourself is in a full body cast. Although that's when the mind attacks…

Well, I sincerely hope you'll sign up for my course in self defense. I'm off to watch that one show, have you ever seen it, it's called Bad Boys Whatcha Want Whatcha Want Whatcha Gonna Do When DAfkdfadkf Brun Come For You Tell Me Whatcha Gonna Do Whatcha Gonna Doooooo Yeaahhhh….BAD BOYS BAD BOYS Whatcha Gonna Do Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You Bad Boys Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Dooo Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You Nobody Ner Give You No Barake Police Now Give You No Brake Now No Soldier Man A Give You No Brake Now Deep In Your Heart You Give You No Brakes Hey-ey Bad Boys Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Do Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You Bad Boys Bad Boys Watcha Gonna Watcha Gonna Do When They Come For Youuuuuuuuuuu Cops Is Filmed On Location With The Men And Women Of Law Enforcement All Suspects Are Innocent Until Proven Guilty In A Court Of Law

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.