If you haven't been in a gym in three years, and you're pale as a ghost because you've been spending your weekend afternoons in an air-conditioned apartment while writing a book, and a beautiful little girl invites you to fuck her in a bathroom, do not (and I cannot stress this enough) look at yourself in the mirror while doing so. Seriously, all eyes on her. Trust me. You'll be much better off. This is free advice, fellas. I highly recommend you note it.

I guess it follows that if Tom Cruise gets to be a deranged scientologist, then I mean, why shouldn't Mel Gibson be a drunk, Jew basher? Now, this leaves me wondering what's in store for Tom Hanks and/or Harrison Ford. At least one of them has to go completely chock full o nuts on us or I'll be disappointed. Maybe it'll turn out that Tom Hanks actually drinks blood and worships the devil while Harrison Ford places road kill carcasses in the beds of politicians. Hey, a man can dream, right?

In the chest of drawers at my new apartment, I have one drawer specifically reserved for the crap that women leave at my place. Last night, after a fun time with Liz, she got all mad at me for not having a brush, then went through my “leftover chick shit” drawer, found one and used it to evenly distribute the sweat through her hair. When I told my friend Dave this story, he said, “That's great, Nate. Your bedroom has a Lost and Found for drunk chicks. Your mom must be so proud.”

At this point, I'd pay about twenty bucks to see a documentary about the Hezbollah produced by Mel Gibson. Actually, I take that back. I'd probably spend thirty.

Picking up a twelve pack on my way home, only to find a twelve pack in my fridge after arriving has replaced “finding a few bucks in an old pair of pants” as my favorite random surplus moment. And no, I don't have a drinking problem. Thanks for asking.

Girl scouts are the ultimate weapon against solicitation laws.

And finally, because logic and fluidity have been detained by Malibu cops, I leave you with the following, which one of my girls said:

“If I knew about sports, cooked and cleaned for you, you'd have probably married me. Of course, I'd have probably killed with you a meat cleaver by now, so it's probably just as well.”