I went to the store today and bought 31 pounds of cat litter. The cashier girl tried to slide it across the scanner but it was too heavy, so she scanned it with the wand. I told her I'd put it in the cart and she rolled her eyes and said, with that black girl attitude, “I think yo cat should have to carry his OWN litta.” I just glared at her and said, “That's not funny, my cat's DEAD. I'm using this litter to bury him.”

===============

I got into a grammar argument with myself today. (Clearly, I'm on my way to English heaven, where angels wear paragraph signs instead of halos.) So the argument is kind of abstract to describe, but basically, it goes like this: You can only be unsuccessful at doing something that isn't an end unto itself, right? Take the following example sentences:

“I killed my friend unsuccessfully.”
No, you can't do that, it should read, “I tried to kill my friend,” or “I failed to kill my friend.”

“I emailed my friend unsuccessfully.”
Yes, you can do that if say, the email got caught in the spam filter and your friend never read it. It could also read, “I tried to email my friend,” but not “I failed to email my friend.”

Failure breeds success, but unsuccess cannot always breed failure. Because unsuccess is a gay man.

===============

While working on the PIC redesign, I was thinking of putting this classic on the registration page:

Name: ________
School: ________
Sex: Yes/No
Gender: Male/Female

Then I could turn PIC into a comedy/porn site.

===============

While browsing an affiliate network I work with, I came across the following network update:

Niche Links Coming Down – SinglesNet Niche US Offer
Date posted: 11/12/2007

The following niche links will be disabled at Noon EST on Wednesday:

Hispanic
Asian
Gay Male (currently the default…will be changed to Christian Target link)
Indian
Lesbian
30+

Please contact your manager with questions.

I have a question: WHERE ALL MY 30+ LESBOGAY HISPANIC INDIANS AT?! PUT YA HANDS UP! PUT YA HANDS UP!

(This message sponsored by God in Heaven)

*This post is dedicated to my homedogs Scott Goodyer and Nate DeGraaf

Labels:

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.