It’s amazing how even pot holes can have sentimental value (stay with me now. I know that was a weird opening sentence but I can smell something happening here and it’s not coming from my bathroom). Here in Tampa, where I have lived for the better part of a decade, there is an avenue named Livingston. (Side note: whenever my friend Ben would give directions that involved Livingston Ave, he would say, ‘now turn on to Dr. Livingston I presume.’ Sorry for the digression.) Livingston features three potholes all running along the width of the road. If a driver runs over these potholes, he or she can seriously screw up their car. Now, I drive home from work on Livingston. Which means that by my calculation, I have avoided these potholes roughly 1073 times (give or take your mom). And yesterday, as I was driving home to enjoy the forty minutes of down time between Job 1 and Job 2, I saw the damndest thing.
After almost ten years, the fuckers finally filled the potholes.
As I drove home, I didn’t have to swerve to avoid the three potholes. Instead, I just drove straight over the road. And it felt wrong. It was truly the end of an era. Granted, it was the end of an unimportant, obscure and stupid era. But it’s still the end. And it made me kind of sad to find that out.
And then that got me thinking, “Why the hell am I even slightly sad about this?” I mean, we’re talking about a pothole… well, three potholes to be exact. And here I am mildly distraught about the fact that I’ll never get to ease my car around a not-so-shining example of shoddy road management. If anything, I should be pleased that the City of Tampa actually made an attempt to do something right for its citizens. But I’m not. I miss those potholes already.
And I started thinking about other things that suck that I like nonetheless. And so, because I haven’t made a list in several days, here are my five favorite things that totally suck.
5. The T-Shirt I was wearing when I burnt my house down. It’s ripped, hole-filled and reminds me of a very sad day in family history. I love it.
4. The light in the downstairs closet at my old college apartment. It would flick on and off at random and the switch never worked. What can I say? The dang thing had character.
3. My ex-girlfriend, Sharon. She’s a raging bitch and I hate her. But man, in a twisted kind of way, she was a lot of fun. Dating her was like running a marathon through Disney World. And yes, I know that analogy makes no sense. But that’s how it felt, so there.
2. Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Motto: We’re in the majors! Really, we are. We ain’t kidding. We got uniforms and everything.
1. Altoids Sour Chewing Gum. Sweet, delicious, and ultimately the most tart thing you will ever put in your mouth. It’s as painful as it is precious.
Some things, despite the fact that we hate them, stay with us over time. Some things, for whatever reason, become a part of us. Kind of like a hairy mole. And I guess, if you’ve been with that mole for a long time, then you can miss it when the skin doctor lops it off. Maybe you miss it so much that you decide to keep it. Maybe, you even name it and sew little costumes for it. Maybe, you are a total freak.
Of course, I miss a bunch of potholes. So who am I to judge?