What's up, you pieces of shit? Kidding, kidding, you guys are my only friends, nigga. My best and only friends.

Julian Asange, here, how are you? Let's hang out.

Are you ready?……..Are you guys ready for this fucking shit, motherfuckers? The latest edition of:


Julian Asange movie

Ah, let's see. Halloween. I dressed up as Ashley Garmany but once I got dressed up I couldn't go out, I could only stay home and have sex with myself, I mean Ashley Garmany, and drink the delcious Starbucks I made in between fisting sessions.

Good times. Can't wait 'til Thanksgiving. You guys would NOT believe what I'm doin' for that! 

Still Julian Asange here. Kim Kardashian is single, but that bitch is so damaged I am staying away this time. The thought of having sex with Kim Kardashian does not turn me on at all right now. She's scary. Plus, black people have been in her vagina, and trust me, they probably left it for dead.

Scientists are such dicks!

Ya'll wanna hang out and have a masturbation party? I've got Friends Season 3 on DVD? No?

Just took my 8th shower of the year! I am feeling fresh, you guys! I'm gonna go hit on some young girls! 

Well, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the leak o' th' w'k, so here she is! This is called "Big Businesses Plans to Infiltrate Occupy Wall Street" and IT…IS…a PAGE TURNER!!

Copy and paste, Siri. Now switch over to Microsoft Word, I am going to type this week's email to my devoted email list followers.

It looks like those rape charges ain't goin' away, amIrite er amIrite? Apparently my extradition request has been denied. I don't know what that means—no, like, I literally don't know what it means, the word "extradition." And I don't have a dictionary, so, looks like I'm fucked, bro. And not in the good, "Ashley Garmany in a dumpster behind McDonald's" kind of way. Speaking of McDonald's, dumpsters, fast food, fucking, making it rain, file cabinets, Barbara Walters, and the craziest, most unspeakable sex you've ever seen, I have a DVD coming out! Yes, that's right, I have been filming every single one of my fast food and Wal-Mart fuck sessions and blowjob carnivals! Your boy JSange wouldn't do that to you, leave you with just your imagination to recreate those scenes! Ya'll know I taped that shit! Such classics as "Julian Gets A Handjob At Best Buy on Black Friday" and "Julian Meets a Girl in the Pharmacy Section of Wal-Mart And Has Sex With Her Within Seconds" and who can forget "That Girl, That Girl from the Pharmacy in Wal-Mart, She….She Was There to Get Herpe Medication." Also, there's some bonus scenes such as "What It Would Look Like When I Fuck Ashley Garmany" and "Julian And Mark and Steve Have Sex In a Moving Gondola." It's called the "Julian Asange WikiLeaks Freaky Fucks Blowjob Carnival Forever" and it will be on BluRay and theaters and Qwikster on Christmas Eve.

Also, if you're looking for just the audio from that DVD, for like, say, the drive to work (traffic jams, right bro?), the motion picture soundtrack will drop then too on CD and cassette. Also, there's a limited edition iPod with just the audio from that DVD loaded onto it plus I pick some of my FAVORITE pornos and they come pre-loaded on the iPod! Fuckin' love technology!

I also have a baby coming out! He drops on January 31st, nigga! WHAT IT FUCKIN DO!!!!

Fuck the haters who said my sperm would NEVER mix with an egg to create a child! Fuck ya'll!!!!!!!

Note to all the ladies!!!: This does NOT mean that I am not single or any shit like that! I. AM. DOWN. TO. FUCK. Do I make myself clear? 

Respectfully regarded yours cheers,

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.