Julian Asange birthday party hat

What it do? It's your boy SANGE-Cock here! AKA Dr. Dick Nuts McTesticle Balls AKA Mr. Ashley Garmany, D.D.S. (Daily Dick Sex) AKA The Official Priest of the Insane Clown Posse AKA Julie N. Asange AKA The Leak Master General AKA Leaks for Days Free the Gays AKA DJ Wicky-wicky-LEAK, son AKA Ku Klux Klan Frequent Lyncher Miles Rewards Program Customer #428809771.

How are you, my niggers?

Good, I hope. I hope you're good. You must be good. Because for the past god-knows-how-long, I've been working day in and day out to make the world a better place. Therefore your lives must constantly be improving because of my dedication, tireless efforts, and the powerful platform for communication and spreading our message which I have gained through celebrity.

But fame comes with its drawbacks. I mean some days I can't even step out my front door and just go out and about like normal people do! Now I know how Angelina Jolie feels (slutty).

No but like seriously you guys, I'm living in a self-made prison. It's ironic, almost romantic, how I sit here in the same spot, spouting leaks to every corner of the world in a steady drip of unsealed once-confidential documents, now bursting out free into the world, forever freed, never to be pushed back into that black hole from whence it came.

Julian Asange stands on balcony of Ecuador embassy in London England 

Also there's movies about me and stuff. And I'm writing a book. And Lady Gaga visited me. I tickled her. And people write stories about ME. People write about my story. I had a television show a while back too. D'jou watch it?

Why not?

DON'T YOU FUCKING RESPECT ME? I AM THE GRAND LEAK LORD, KING OF ALL LEAKS, RULER OF ALL THE LEAK BEASTS WHO SPROUT FORTH FROM INSIDE OF ME THROUGH MY SPIRIT, DESCENDED FROM THE LEAK WIZARD ELDERS, MARKED WITH THE SIGNS OF THE SECOND COMING OF THE LEAKER GOD AND ENSHRINED TO RULE OVER THE WORLDWIDE KINGDOM OF ALL MY LEAKERS, YOU FUCKING PEASANT

Sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, don't be mad. Come on, where's that smile?! Come on, where's that cute smile? Lemme see it! There it is!

Anyways, we're coming upon the two-year anniversary of me being practically kept prisoner inside this embassy to avoid being kept prisoner for rape charges I don't even remember. Hell, if I'd just plead No Contest, I'd probably be getting freed right about now. But no. I have a duty to the world to stand up always for what is right and what is just, even if that means not wearing a condom and not going down on them.

Besides, it's impossible for me to rape someone. Would you charge LeBron James with playing basketball? Would you put Ronald McDonald in prison for giving people delicious hamburgers? Would you seek charges against Lindsay Lohan for acting?

I'm really good at rhetorical questions, don't cha think?

But I digress, like always, into the topic of myself and my life instead of cultivating my work and doing what I am supposed to do without distractions. I was put upon this planet to leak all over it's wondrous webpages. So enough with the tomfoolery, let's Leak…Ittt…Uppppppp!

Here is a grand discovery which will shake the very core of international relations and uncover a long-hidden, dark underworld and secret plot between the United States and Russia. Once this leaks from me in London, it will have consequences for years to come. Without further ado, I will now paste in the document from my clipboard, so that you don't have to deal with Adobe Reader and all that shit. Freedom of information. Motherfuckers.

Hey — Control V, right?

Diary_backup_file_2.txt

DAY 1: This Ecuador place is chill as fuck, yo! And I didn't even need to go the DMV to get a passport! Radical, dude! They're treating me like a king slash celebrity slash genius slash sexy alleged rapist slash future television show host of his own television show with his name in the title and everything slash welcome guest of honor. To Ecauador! To many more wonderful nights under the Ecuadorian sun! Viva la Ecuador! Cheers! Cheers be to the Ecuadorian Christ!

DAY 2: Haven't heard back from you, diary. I presume you're backed up on emails and have been meaning to get back to me but haven't had the chance yet. I pray, for your sake, that that is the case. 

DAY 10: Dear Diary, sometimes I feel like you don't even listen to me. Fuck you.

DAY 15: I think. Er. Sometimes when you go to get..You know those things that can show up if? Why all the everything? Where's da sun? Daddy

DAY 28: The maid here, Lupita. She's for sure into me. And I can just tell bitch is down to fuck. I'm gonna hit that.

DAY 31: Lupita bent over extra long today whilst picking up a pile of my rancid cum pajamas. Ass for days, bro.

DAY 35: Me & Lupits gon' fuck soon, I just know it.

DAY 42: If this room had asbestos, they'd like HAVE to tell me, right? That's like in the Ecuadorian Constitution, it's gotta be, no?

DAY 48: Bitch gon' play hard to get, I see how it is. Hard to get just equals a more thrilling chase for ol' Julie boy! YEE-HAW, BITCH!

DAY 57: It turns out there's no record of a Lupita ever working here. Apparently she was just a figment of my imagination from a reoccuring hallucination caused by cum dehydration. Still gonna put my dick in her pussy though, hologram or not.

DAY 70: Soooooo bored. So. Bored. Already leaked like 8 times today, don't have anything left in me.

DAY 88: The "doctors" say if I cum any more I will be putting my life in danger and causing health problems. But ‘health problems' is Ecuadorian for ‘exciting laptop jack-off party time'. 

DAY 154: WOULD A HOT OLD POOR MEXICAN MAID HAVE SEX TO KEEP HER JOB WITH A RAPIST?! HUH?! DIDN'T THINK SO.

DAY 237: Lupita, you were the only thing I ever loved. You sweet sweet flower.

DAY 365: Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthhhh-day dear Julian, le-ak forever honey boo boo

DAY 401: It fucking smells in here.

DAY 405: Lupita may not technically be a real person, but try telling that to the dead maid corpse covered in empty Cheeto's bags in the corner of my room.

DAY 430: Fuck you, Sweden! Ya'll tried to extradite me and who's laughing now? 

DAY 516: Social media is my only contact with society. So lonely, empty, and alone. Longing for outside. Want air. Need air. Someone please, do something. Whyyyyyyyyy??????

DAY 540: I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably like a pussy girl last night, YOU were. Fag.

DAY 578: I long to hear another person's voice. (and not a cam girl from LiveJasmin, like a person person)

DAY 602: Maybe I've chosen the wrong career.

DAY 604: Whistle blowing and leakin' ain't what they used to be.

DAY 635: Lupita's back and suddenly she's REALLY into anal now. Pretty stoked.

DAY 675: LUPITA, CLEAN THE GODDAMN BALCONY! DADDY'S GONNA GET A SECOND BREATH OF FRESH AIR! I WANT YOU NAKED AND BENT OVER THE RAILING FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE AS I DISGRACE YOU SEXUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY! FOR ECUADOR! VIVA LA ECUADOR! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!

Make sure you connect with Julian by following and liking Julian on Instagram, Pinterest, Soundcloud, LinkedIn, Bandcamp, MySpace, Last.fm, YouTube, Tumblr, Vimeo, Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Vine, Snapchat, Stumbleupon, Reddit, and Tinder, as well as signing up for the newsletter, mobile alerts, and doing whatever it is you do with the RSS feeds. If you don't Lupita will only be fed spoiled bologna for the next three weeks, and that ain't right.

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