"All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left." – Matthew 25:32

Whoever translated that passage so incorrectly deserves to be raped by a goat. And they will—oh, they will. But let's start at the beginning:

 In the beginning of time, God created Adam and Eve. They fucked, and a few months later Eve shot a baby out of her coochie so hard it got partially embedded in a nearby tree trunk. Like the good scientists that God had bade them be, they decided to repeat the experiment, and eventually there was a baby ladder leading up the tree to heaven. They got up to heaven, and found God yelling at his son, Jesus.

Goat rape Jesus had used his magic to give himself horns and wings, and God thought that was a little tasteless for heaven, where the standard for clothing was, well, nothing, because ugly chicks were kept locked outside the holy gates until they prayed hard enough and he granted them giant boobs. God had just wanted to invent mankind so that he could enslave them to make tacos for him, and was getting fed up with Jesus. Jesus was pissed because his dad was trying to make him be just like him, and every time he complained God was all "you ARE me, LOL!" And Adam and Eve were mad because as God chuckled, they realized that acid rain was just a result of his poor bladder control.

 Despite being all-knowing and all-seeing and all wee-ing, God hadn't noticed Adam and Eve yet, and since the Garden of Eden was pretty boring, they decided to keep still and watch.

Jesus was explaining to God that he had just invented tattoos, and God was yelling at him that he wasn't allowed to get tattoos because it said so in the Bible. Jesus was all, "the Bible hasn't been written yet!" and God was all, "That's irrelevant, even if it doesn't exist yet or you haven't heard of it, if you don't follow it you're totally going to Hell!" Then he told Jesus to go to his room.

Jesus was so mad that he decided to show God what he had done that morning while God was inventing things to kill people so that Heaven and Hell would be full enough that they would qualify for government funding. So Jesus dropped his pants, and lo, on His Holiest Of Asses, he had tattooed a sheep on the right cheek and a goat on the left. And as Adam and Eve watched, mouths agape because they had not yet gotten around to experimenting much, just as the aforementioned passage says if correctly translated, God separated the sheep from the goat and punished his son. And from that holiest of unholy unions, a child was born of Jesus' hole, and that child was Hank, who, due to psychological trauma, devoted his life to teaching animated children about the importance of dental hygiene and Christmas.

Jesus had wanted to get an abortion, but God wouldn't let him, and Jesus swore to get his vengeance by destroying all of the human race that God had been so busy working on, so that God would be deprived of tacos for eternity, because if you recall, that was the only reason God bothered putting humans on earth and giving them opposable thumbs. Aside from making tacos, humans were all whiny and annoying, and had an odd tendency to take everything he said seriously, which was rather unfortunate given God's love of deadpan humor. Anyway, Jesus created an animal in his current image, and released it among the humans. That creature was a goat.

Years later, Eve was lonely because Adam had grown addicted to online gaming and screamed "TITS OR GTFO!" at her every time she approached him, which was odd because her tits were the fuck out since clothes hadn't been invented yet, so naturally when she saw the innocent little goat, she forced herself upon it. Six and two thirds months later, Eve gave birth to Pan, who, over the next centuries, knocked up thousands of women who had adorable little immortal goat babies.

Jesus swore that one day he would use his magic mind control powers to have all the goats of the Earth rise up and rape their masters, who would then be so desperate to rid themselves of the memory that they would hobble painfully around in search of other humans so that they could take their brains and replace their own with a less rapey one. Doing so would, of course, result in death because trading brains required the exchange of ideas, which God had specifically prohibited. Eventually this Rapeocalypse would culminate in the death of the entire human race, and, after a celebratory orgy, goats would rule the earth, and God would be totally pissed.

The four warning signs of this nightmare have already exhibited themselves:

1. Fainting Goats

Fainting goats are a sign of the imminent goat-led Rapeocalypse. These frolicking future rapists pass out when startled, and transform rapidly from rapist to rapee. God wills mankind to rape these, the freshmen of the goat species. This is God's way of warning us about what is to come.

2. Gompei the Goat, the Mascot of Worcester Polytechnic Institute

By working goats into institutions of higher learning, God is trying to warn us. School is where we think leaders are born, and they may be… but they Gompei shall be the father.

3. The Double Meaning of the Word "Nanny"

A nanny is a female goat, and someone who takes care of children. This is obviously a sign that goats and babies are related, and the only rational conclusion is that goats are about to start reproducing at insanely high rates. Or at least, fucking. But there aren't enough goats in the world, so obviously they're going to have to move on to humans. We're next. Repent!

4. Cave Art Depictions of Goats

We all know that cavemen (and all artists) only drew when they were divinely inspired, and this was God's way of trying to warn mankind that goats were in some way dangerous. Otherwise, why would anyone bother drawing a goat? It's only logical.

Adam and Eve witnessed all of this, and they are still alive today through the power of Jesus. They seek to help their fellow humans, and so opened a namesake chain of stores, and there they sell the one thing God created that can protect you from the Rapeocalypse. This is covered in the Old Testament, which says that if a door was painted with goats blood, that house would be left alone during the plagues. This is an incorrect translation, however. The only way to avoid the Rapeocalypse is to purchase a special butt plug from Adam and Eve's charming store. The end of it is shaped like a leering goat's head, and so when the Rapeocalypse begins, the attacking goats looking for unviolated victims will see the goat peering out of your ass and leave you, and then God will save you and transport you to heaven, where you can rape giant-boobed goats to your heart's content, as long as you make tacos for God. Amen.

See the rules and more entries for “The Rapeocalypse: Official PIC Contest” here!

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or weekly newsletter.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.