Korean dudes differ from American dudes. I suppose every culture associates actions, thoughts, and words with other things. Since I've now been in Korea longer than I've been in any one place in the past four years, I guess I'm getting used to it. But that doesn't mean I don't secretly judge, as well as laugh my ass off, when I see a Korean dude blowdrying his nuts in the locker room.

I originally wrote this piece as an e-mail for my mom, so she wouldn't think every dude in Korea plays for the other team. I added some and tried to throw in some jokes. So here are some really gay things Korean dudes do, that aren't really considered gay in Korea.

Probably the most important and obvious, is that Korean dudes of all ages will walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm.

Korean men holding hands in public
No homo understood.
It's weird that some folks won't even look you in the eye during the day, but will drink too much soju and then stick their palm on yours and expect to go for a nice casual night stroll whilst gripping each other's hand.

Go to the sauna together.

Maybe this is just a stupid American thing… but I never really want to hang around my other dude friends whilst naked and sweaty—whilst in a laying, standing or sitting position.

Blowdrying hair. Koreans don't just blowdry their ballhair, but also the mops on top. I once tried using a blowdryer, but I think I just sunburned my forehead. As I used my mom's blowdryer, I couldn't help but want to fill up the bathtub and jump into it.

Go to the bathroom just to redo your hair.

Personally, I don't even comb my hair. It's part of my "look" that, ahem, never ever gets me laid. Some dudes also carry personal mirrors.

Be under 140 pounds/64 kilograms.

I don't suggest anybody be fat. Hell, work with what you've got. There are definitely advantages to being able to shop at the little boys' section in department stores. But, as my old man said, "If you can wear your girlfriend's jeans, you probably also like to swallow swords."

Play badminton.

Men do it here. And they're not ironic hipsters.

Wear glasses without lenses. Yeah, I did that too. Then my friends laughed at me and punched me, because you can punch a guy in fake glasses. Then I cried.

Smoke Virginia Slims.

I'm not going to go into this, because the toughest Korean dude I know smokes these things. But they look like "pinner" joints made for supermodels in the 1980's. If you're going to suffer from cancer, don't you want to look like a badass whilst doing so?

Own and carry a man-purse.

A bajillion jokes have been written about gay dudes carrying European handbags, satchels, or murses. Insert your favorite here ________.

Watch Gossip Girl, Glee, and Sex and the City.

Granted, these are some of the few American non-initial shows (you know, NCIS, CSI, House: MD, Law & Order: SVU, The Simpsons) on the air. But still. Download a monster truck rally.

Wear sunglasses indoors.

Koreans only wear shades at night in the bars or clubs. They look at you weird if you wear them when it's sunny out. It's like looking at a gentleman decked out in a tux at a thrift store. You just look out of place. This isn't really a gay thing, but I thought I'd just point that out.

Express feelings.

Some Korean dudes look like they're always just about to cry. Is it because they never sleep? Or because their pants are too tight? Maybe this season's shoes feature suede, and they hoped for cashmere?

Collect toys.

True story, I used to own an amazing toy collection. Then one night at a bar I heard myself tell a girl, "Well, one of my hobbies is searching for highly sought-after action figures." After that, I boxed every Star Wars guy, Transformer, Marvel, or DC superhero and whatever other crap I kept on my shelf and told my mom, "Here. Sell this crap on eBay. Use the money to Photoshop me out of that sailor suit you made me pose in when I was 17."

Visit psychics.

A blog once paid me to see a psychic, but here in the Land of the Morning Calm, men see psychics all the time for business advice, relationship troubles or just to find out what's going to happen next on "Coffee Prince."

Watch Coffee Prince

This is the most unintentionally hilarious Korean television show I've ever heard of. Here's a short recap: manly-looking woman can't find a job, so she pretends to be a dude so she can work at a café that employs strictly cute boys. Then she falls in love with one of the other baristas, and drives him crazy because he also likes her, but he thinks she's a he, so he tries to "ungay" himself. No, I'm not making this shit up. I'm entirely not creative enough.

On the other hand, here are some things Koreans think are for pussies: seatbelts, motorcycle/bike helmets, protective goggles, baby car seats, really any safety equipment, vacations, painkillers, foreplay, worrying about cancer, skipping out of military service (it's required here), hangovers, having a woman buy you anything and not-seeing-prostitutes.

So there you go, culture and shit.

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