Free Candy painted on a rape van

I don't usually do contract freelance prophecies, but I suppose I could make an exception just this once. I've been led to believe there is free malt liquor and smack involved in exchange for my clairvoyant services. At least, I assume that's what was meant by prize package.

So here goes. Enter the Rapeocalypse. This affects everyone, so listen up and be sure to watch for the signs.

1. A Rape Van Full of Raptors

Somewhere in Minnesota, sometime in the future, a van full of carnivorous dinosaur sex offenders from another planet will be parked in front of a creationist school. The evolution vs. creation argument will be settled once and for all. The creationists were right. The only problem is that they forgot to account for the other planets that God was creating life on simultaneous to Earth. Nobody was expecting the dinosaur planet. God created Adam and Eve and a universe full of worm holes so that horrific intergalactic rape demons could find us and probe us. Not cool, God.

They will come to Earth in a warp speed super atomic van with an airbrushed raptor porn mural on the side. The door will slide open, dinosaurs will jump out, and the Rapeocalypse shall be upon us. There will be no free candy as promised. Only scaly rapey reptile horror. Homeland Security will be too busy cavity searching civilians with questionable Facebook statuses to stop it. The President will make the call to Vatican City, signifying the start of phase two.

2. The Space Templar Altar Boy Roundup

Ancient Templar cosmonauts from the Pope's home planet will return to Earth in search of young boys to accompany them on their spaceships. It's very lonely in space, and they need the tears of children to fuel their ships. The children will be forced into manual labor with a heavy emphasis on polishing the cannons of the ships while scantily clad in old testament style loin cloths. Milk carton missing children ads will come back in style as the sons of Earth are drafted into the holy war against the alien raptors and other cosmic heathens of the galaxy. Due to an unfortunate loophole in the scriptures, sodomy is inevitable. The space Templars are notoriously hard to argue with when taking an anti-pedo-sodomy stance.

Once the cosmic holy war/sodomy jam is in full swing, phase three will take effect.

3. A Cannibal Death Orgy For Satan

Humanity will seek guidance in the form of intercepted email prayer to the psychic Google government. The digital high priests and special advisors to Jesus from the Consolidated Value Church of Walmart will distribute emergency communion wafers coated with hallucinogenic bread mold to the masses. Free knives and hot sauce will be included as society collectively wanders out into the streets to "see where the evening takes them."

Protesters will scream thoughtful beat poetry into hipster vegan webcams while burning baskets filled with Republican puppies smolder in the background to raise awareness for their def jam acoustic dubsteb concerts the following evening at the coffee shop on Fifth Street beside the sushi place with the overpriced corporate wasabi, where T-shirts and CDs will be available at the merch booth for a reasonable price. 3.7% of all profits will go to the American Spirit foundation to raise awareness of pictures of Indians.

Once the drugs kick in, it will segue into phase four.

4. Behold, a Flaming Horse Cock

Three headed flying nun tentacle porn invasion. Disembodied floating tits spraying acid milk. Anal scorpions. Demons with cock lasers. Bestial werewolf birthday parties and burlesque shows at Chuck-E-Cheese with an animatronic jug band and stale pizza. Shopping malls filled with semen from syphilitic Jehovah's Witnesses. Gremlins dry humping the engine of your Oldsmobile, cutting off your means of escape. An army of talking dildos, lurking in your underwear drawer. Giant masturbating apes on the rooftops of important skyscrapers. All rape, all the time, everywhere in the world. Expect to be severely violated. Soundtrack by Cannibal Corpse.

But hey, cheer up. It could be worse. In fact, it probably will be worse. Okay, maybe don't cheer up. Just pop a couple of roofies and it will be over before you know it. It gets better once the ergot mindfuck wears off. You may experience what the old hippies from the proto-rape period used to call "a bad trip."

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