I saw Eli Manning hosting SNL and I was just inspired to do something with my life, you know?

I mean yea, I've got this thing, this WikiLeaks or whatever, and don't get me wrong, it pays the bills and it has succeeded far beyond how I expected it to.

Julian Assange on The Drudge ReportBut the bills keep getting higher and my dreams grander.

So I started fucking girl's asses. Lots of asses. Lots of weird shit: fingering girl's assholes, feeding them McDonald's, pushing parties, lesbian coke slumber party chess clubs, ass play, titty work, getting to 6th base, remodeling bathrooms, dishwasher fights, left foot only footjobs, wheelchair midget gangbangs, flash mob handjob arrests, first aid kit baths, reverse bukkakes, accidental orgasms, wet nightmares, calling over hookers and feeding them Locos Tacos and filming it to masturbate to later, fisting mailboxes, touching girl's noses within a minute of meeting them, Betty White-ing girls, cumming on pregnancy tests, sleeping Asian crying, triple penetration, meeting up with girls in real life that you met on Dr. Drew forums who are of age and having your TV turn on mid-coitus to play To Catch A Predator and continue fucking them without saying anything, homeless people, protesting goat orgies, sitting in the back of Alcholics Anonymous meetings and touching yourself 'til you cum, turning gay people straight, allergy creampies, softcore anal, voyeur delivery rooms, girls on their period, drunk trisexual No Doubt-listening, writing as Ashley Garmany, sneezing while cumming, remembering where you were when you first heard about 9/11, ear-to-mouth, mime raping, putting looseleaf paper in girl's pussies, rubbing one out to the sound of your uncle coughing, half-orgasms, condom facials, gynecology appointments, stealing people's cum, sending foot pics, seeing how long you could deepthroat strangers before they notice, masturbating while driving, nipple stamping, overhand handjobs, sleeping in porta potties, jerking off to gas prices, Court Sullivan interracial trampoline boner BBQ's, putting one or both of your balls in vaginas,  sexting old people, talking about my feelings, you know that kind of shit.

And it was great. But I still knew it wasn't my calling. I was put on this earth to do great things, not to pay 60-year-old women to nose-fuck my butthole and then cry on me.

I had to find my purpose. Why did my nigga Lord God put me on this earth?

So I left my house for the first time in weeks, determined I could find the answer if I went out into the world searching for it.

But before I could, my ankle bracelet for my house arrest went off, and I was swarmed by cops within minutes.

Stupid fuckin' rape charges. They be ruinin' shit for ERRRYBODY.

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