My Vision is Cooler Than Your Vision
Your inability to handle my literal worldview aside, I have glasses now. I suppose my final descent into nerd-dom is complete.
Comedy By Molly Williams
Weekly Weather Report For My Patio
Mild and sunny, with occasional snoring from the guy passed out upstairs. Prepare for mid-afternoon bellows after his girlfriend discovers naked pictures of her now-former best friend on his phone.
Volunteering Sucks
Clearly, there is no better way to help a community than by forcing the nerdy kids to feed undercooked gruel to the overcoked homeless.
An Imaginary Conversation With My New Neighbor
I'm home for break, but was told I would have a new neighbor when I came back. I'm hoping the awkward hallway conversations with him or her suck less than the current creepy neighbor.
Words I’m Not Supposed to Say
Visits home are a constant censor-fest. I have to pause for a few seconds before I speak to make sure I’m not about to insert an unnecessary but gleeful "fuck" into a sentence.
My Childhood Pets
My second ever pet was a hamster. Her full name was Cooper the Super Duper Pooper (I was like, 6, and still maintain that rhyming is cool). Like any six year old, I wanted to hug my new best friend.
10 Things I Hate About You – Neighbor Edition
<p>College apartments are made out of paper, shitty music, and broken glass, but what really makes them suck is the other residents. I've compiled a list of the worst traits of my worst neighbors. The only neighbor who's behavior didn't make the list is the one who got arrested for dealing cocaine because <em>at least she didn't fucking annoy me</em>. </p>
10 Things Every English Major Will Do
Have you ever discussed feminism in whatever book the class is reading whether or not the subject of feminism is at all relevant? Yeah, you're definitely an English major.
This Candy is Gross and Your Beard Smells Like Shit
Look, when I agreed to get in your van, your sign said you would give me candy and a puppy. I hope you don't think you're taking a shortcut, because this is definitely the long way to get to the mall.
If Your Apartment Lease was Totally Honest
A community fee of $500 is due at the lease signing. This covers use of the STD-filled cesspit we call a pool, rusted out 70's gym equipment, moth-infested laundry center, picnic areas, and other facilities.