First stop, produce aisle. First item, a watermelon.

A fucking watermelon! Maybe I should have explained myself, I am a handbasket. I am designed to carry several small items comfortably. I can carry approximately zero watermelons comfortably. Yet, here we are. You have already used up all of my space in the first ten seconds of being at this Safeway.

I know your type: “I only need to get a few things, I’ll just grab a handbasket.” Just that easy right? Wrong, you don’t know what the fuck you’ve gotten yourself into.

You foolish, small, insignificant man. You really thought you could handle this and now look at you—barely handling the weight already. Are you really going to go through with this? You’re going to let the whole store watch a grown man struggle to purchase food for himself.

You’re struggling to balance a carton of eggs on top of the watermelon. Like Icarus, you've flown too close to the sun. You know you’re not even halfway done with what you came to buy, right? Is this really the strategy you want to go with?

You’re definitely already regretting your life choices, but I got some news for you. It’s not too late to turn back now. Just return me and get a cart… but no, you're not going to do that, are you? I’ve seen a lot of guys like you and not one of them could swallow their pride enough to go back and get a cart.

You’re just going to have to learn the hard way—what a sad creature you are.

To be honest a part of me pities you. I know you’ve seen the type of people that usually carry me around. The beautiful, sexy people in their Lululemon gear, the kind of people who have it all. They fill me up with quinoa, kale, and mangos, then go home to their mansions and make love on their goose-feather beds. You really thought you could be in that crowd? You are nothing like those people. Your socks and flip-flops aren’t exactly screaming good taste and healthy living.

I see you’re trying to stuff me full of Flaming Hot Cheetos and Arizona Ice Tea. You know there's no room for that in here but please don’t… Jesus, you’re really going to hold the gallon of Arizona in your freehand because I’m too full.

Okay, listen, maybe you should just go get one of the small carts at the front of the store. I really can’t stand seeing someone do this to themselves. And to be frank, the shitty groceries you're putting in me are making me sick.

Oh my god, you dropped me. Dear God, there is watermelon and eggs everywhere. What the fuck were you thinking? Why did you think you could do this?

Are you seriously crying right now? Dude, just move away from the mess you made, people are staring at us. Get your Cheetos and your Arizona and then we can finish this extremely basic task. Even if your dignity is shattered, you can still walk away with some snacks.

There you go, big guy. Let’s just go to the self-checkout line so no one can see your tears.


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